when you thought you were all alone by yourself

17th January 2010

Sunday

I messaged you

You never replied

How the hell would I know you had table tennis or you went jogging?

So I dared not call cause my phone would definitely turned off again

And it didn't occur to me I could use the public phone

So it started to rain

It wasn't that heavy at first

And I thought I might just walk home since you didn't reply

I just thought you were sleeping or something

Fine then

I would just walk home

And then it started to rain like, really heavily?

And what could I do?

I didn't care

I just walked home

Rain was beating so hard on me

I was all soked

From head to toe

Literally

And wind was blowing so hard on me

I was almost shivering

I felt cold

And the rain kept falling heavier and heavier

He said he would fetch me from Cempaka station

That was so not gonna happen

I've already reached Salak Selatan station when I received that message

Even if I had received it earlier, I would still not let him fecth me home

I am so not gonna put him into so much trouble and hassle

Yeah, he said it was fine and everything

I know he meant it

Like, really do

But I still don't feel good about it

You don't owe me anything

Don't be too good to me

I feel real bad and guilty about it

=/

So I said I will text him later

And I walked home

I was walking under the rain

I thought of stopping at Pappa Rich

And there was lightning too

OMG

I was praying so hard to God that I would reach home safe and sound

=(

And the thing I regretted most and am sorry for the most

Is that

I was holding the papaer bag with the cup his mum gave me

I didn't put it in my bag

I was so afraid I might break it

And so I hold it instead

And it was raining

And it got all wet

I was clasping it and maintaining the firm grip on the opening so that the rainwater won't wet it

I didn't wanna spoilt it or wet it or something

It was important

More than anything else at that time

But it got wet

The brown paper that wrapped it was wet

And the paper was kinda ruined

And the red paper bag too

It was wet and all soft and limpy

And the base of the cup was wet too

=(

I'm so sorry

Really

='(

Finally

I gotta stop at a bus stop

And at the same time

Another guy was running towards to bus stop too

And both of us waited there

Finding shelter there

It was our refuge?

Then later, he asked me, "Pergi mana?"

"Condo tu. Awak?"

"Tu." *pointed at the condo that I assumed was milo's condo*

Then talked for a little while

Even though he was a stranger

Not all strangers are bad

Like how our parents used to tell us when we were little

Malaysians are really friendly

He was a malay guy

But he wasn't bad

Not all people are bad in nature

Just don't be so prejudice on people man

=)

So I told him I had to go

Even though the rain was still falling

Or so I thought it had subsided a little

Just a little

But I guess there weren't any difference anyway

Still the same heavy rain

Maybe God was angry with me?

With my stubborness?

Hmm

I'm sorry

I just dunno what did I do

=(

And he even said this to me, "Hati-hati!"

See, not all people are that bad

I was drenched from top to bottom in rain water

I was fully soaked!

I walked so fast back to my condo

Hmm

Completely wet

I just had a shower under the rain

I came home

And she wasn't there

I didn't see her shoes

And I thought she has gone out to fetch me

But since my grandparents said nothing about she going out to fetch me

Then, I assumed she didn't go and fetch me

And then I had a call from her

I didn't know why she sounded like as though she was mad at me

I mean, come on, what the fck have I done?

My phone was so freaking problematic

And you never replied me

And now you're asking why I didn't call home

You wanna know why i didn't call home?

Fine

Cause it didn't even occur to me I could call home

Why?

Cause it didn't come to mind

And why is that so?

To be honest, I wouldn't have think of what I am about to say if not for what was playing in my mind during shower

What was playing in my mind during shower was

An argument I would have with you

Just because I walked home myself under the rain

And guess what I said in this freaking imagination of mine

I said, "I didn't feel like having a home. She (grandma) was mad at me for nothing! And they talk about stuff behind my back and then tell you a different story! And then your son, don't even tell me he needed tuition but instead he tells him (grandpa) to tell me about it! And how would I know when you have table tennis and when you do not have?"

Seriously

That was what I 'said' in that conversation in my mind

Yeah

My mind is always playing such things

Even though it doesn't really happen

I'm bad right?

Hmm

Fine

I am

I am so not a good daughter

I dunno why is she mad at me for going out with a guy

I dunno why all this while nobody seems to care but all of a sudden they wanna have at least some control of my life

And wanna know everything about everything I am trying not to let them know

See, I told you

My mind

It keeps going on and on even though this has nothing whatsoever to do with all the shit I had after that call

And I almost cried in the shower

My eyes felt so hot

='(

I told myself not to cry anymore

Really not worth it

That is really torutring myself

And I would be ready for her scolding

Again

And say nothing

Not fighting back anymore

I know now

No point fighting back

And there's nothing I wanna say anyway

Nothing to say

And nothing needed to say

I'm sick and tired of it

You wanna scold

Fine

Scold

You want me to listen

Fine

I listen

I won't say a single word

I learn to ignore

If that is what you wanna call it

And after my shower

I didn't go straight out for dinner

I was a little hungry I guess

But who cares

It doesn't matter anymore

I wanted to be alone

I lied on my bed

I texted him

And I thought he was busy when he did not reply

Never mind

I simply can't expect him to always be free

And it was later when I received 2 messages from him

I just wanted someone to be there for me?

I dunno

I just need you to be there

And that's enough for me

No need for words of comfort

No need to even think of what to do or what to say or how to make me feel better

All I need was just for you to be there

But I can't expect much anyway

I know it

Hmm

I needed you so badly then

='(

FML?

Hmm

A line from Avenged Sevenfold's dear God

Cause i'm lonely, and I'm tired, I'm missing you again

I'm tired

=/

xoxo