but she just never reached him

29th June 2011.

It was supposed to be the day. Our day. 

It was supposed to be a celebration. Our celebration.

It was supposed to be a day of joy and love. Our joy and love.

It was supposed to be a duo. Me and you.

It was supposed to be the tenth month. 

It was supposed to be. 

It was.

I made it through a week. 7 days.

But, what a coincidence. 

Why did it fall on this day? 

I tried so hard. Believe me. 

I'm still trying, cause I'm still stuck, somewhere in between. It's not an easy position to get out of. And who knows how long will I take to get up on my feet again?

There won't be You, holding my hands and stopping my from cracking my knuckles. There won't be You, helping me to massage whenever I get tired at the end of the day. There won't be You,  wishing my good night before heading to bed. There won't be You, being my companion for silly jokes and tickles. There won't be You, for the lovely and comfy cuddles. There won't be You, to fill in the gaps between my fingers. There won't be You, to provide me warmth when I'm shivering with coldness. There won't be You, wishing me Happy Monthiversary. There won't be You, ending the wish with a simple I Love You. 

I screwed it all.

"well just another 29th of the month. "

Seeing that, gave me hope. Because deep down, something tells me you still remember. Something tells me you still care. Something tells me, there's still hope. Something tells me, it's not completely over. 

But, the comments. Sighh. I wish I never seen it. But I have. And nothing saddens me more to know that you're happy with your decision now. Nothing saddens me more to know that it seems that you have gotten used to our situation now but here I am, still struggling to adapt, still struggling to adjust, still struggling with the truth. Still at war with my heart when my mind knows full well what is with us now. Call me silly, call me naive, call me foolish, anything you want. But I can't help it, nor can I save it anymore. I realized, chances are really rare. So believe me, when you have been given any chances at all, grab it. You might not know what it might lead you to, but at least you've taken it. No regrets, simple as that. I was given plenty of chances that I didn't know of. I lost grip of them. Though I tried so hard to chase them back, it was just futile. I still fight so hard, until the very end. Maybe it's not worth it, but to me, it's the only thing worth doing now.

No matter how much I want to be your reminder of today, I can't, I resisted. 

7 days. 1 week. 10 months. 

Isitokaytosayimissyou?Causeireallydo.Somuch.

of chocolates and ice-creams

An afternoon out alone. And this is how I treat myself. =]

When I really do treat myself, you can be damn sure I'll be seriously spoilt and pampered. 

Though I wanted to enjoy McD alone, with Fillet O'Fish and fries and chocolate sundae, the crowd and the long queue stopped that from happening. Or it sympathized me for being alone? I don't care, you know. =]

But still, Cornetto chocolate sundae was a must. And, it was heavenly. <3

And yeah. I got the exact black pilot that I lost several weeks ago. Believe it or not, without the previous one, I could hardly study. I mean it. And I miss it. Still do. My loyalty still remains with the previous one. So whenever you wanna come back to me, just remember that, I'll always be right here, arms open to welcome you. <3

that girl without regrets, will come around

Day 4.

I chose to be in love. I fell for it. But I didn't choose to be hurt. It chose me. I just have to bear the pain. Perhaps, I could relieve your pain and let me bear it all by myself. Perhaps, it would work. Perhaps, putting on a smile conceals everything from you. Perhaps, that will be a better way for you. I guess I truly fell head over heels this time, so deep that I have to climb my way out of it now. But that's okay. I could handle it. Maybe distance is not at all an obstacle. Maybe that's what I'll have to prove, not just to you, but to myself. Someday, seeing you happy means being happy myself too. Someday, time will tell.

"Strong walls shake but never collapse."

Yes, the walls have been hit, struck, shaken, cracked. But they are still strongly standing still. No, they won't crumble down. Because behind these walls, I'll be defending this fortress, till the very end. 

That girl who didn't give a damn and just went along with anything that came her way, will be back. That girl who found simple joy in anything, will return. That girl whose heart skipped a beat whenever she sees his name appearing on her phone, will brace herself for the storm. That girl who strive hard to put that smile back on her face, will come through. That girl who cried silently to sleep, will not be brought down. That girl who tried her best to pick up the pieces and mend them up, will realize the worth of her efforts. That girl who did all she could to stop herself from breaking apart, is going to rise again. That girl in blue and red who you fell in love with, will continue to love you, from afar.

Time heals. Time will tell.

ireallyfellinlovethistime299iloveyouandimeanit

in memory of your loving friend

Day 3.

I thought I could make a difference. I tried my best, but in the end, the truth has been too obvious. I wish I could turn back the time and make things right again. I never knew I was the cause of all these. I never knew all those little disputes would lead to this. I never knew. There's so much that I never knew. And all this while, you've got to suffer in silence for me. What else could I say except a remorseful sorry? What else could I do to mend these broken pieces and fill these gaps? What else, could I look forward to?

The last effort. The last hope. The last attempt. The last truth. But never the last tear. Never the last pain. Never the last wound. Never the last memory.

Somewhere along these bumpy roads, I've become lost. Lost in your eyes. Lost in your arms. Lost in your touch. Lost in your kisses. Lost in your care. Lost in your love. Lost in you.

I'm only left with the memories you gave me. Those are the things that I could only hold on to. Your gifts, your words, your whispers, your love. What more could I ask for? Selfish, insensitive, inconsiderate, intolerant me. Do I regret? Yes, the answer is yes.

I've been thinking and thinking. Non stop. It kills me. And yet, there's no way that I could stop it. 

"The first person who's on your mind the moment you open your eyes after a long sleep is the reason of either your happiness or your pain."

I fell asleep thinking I would be able to face this and take it head on after all. That everything will be alright and we would return to normal as how we used to before we even started. I was so convinced I could brace myself and take it all in. I was so sure, until the moment I woke up. Consciousness hit me hard. I wish it was hard enough to hit me back to sleep, or hit me back to where these problems began. But it couldn't. That was when I realized perhaps I have been too naive. Or maybe I was just reluctant to accept the fact that it is me who have been holding on for too long. That feeling you get when you realize it's almost impossible to do it but you know you've gotta continue on and do so because that's the only way through. I pray to God, for strength. For you. For me. For us. I still do.

I'll never give up. Because that's what life is. Life teaches me not to give up. Giving up is so much easier but I can't. And I don't want to. I'll learn to let go, I'll learn not to hold on. But I'll never allow myself to give up. Because we were too much to lose.

"True friends that exchange feelings."

I understand the meaning now. It is difficult. No one says it's ever simple. But that's just what I'll do. 

iwillbeyourlovingfriendbecauseiloveyou

when i say it, i truly mean it more than you could imagine

I can't fall asleep, cause you're right there all along in my mind.

I can't concentrate, cause you're all that I could think of.

I can't smile, cause I can't find any reason to without you.

I can't go online, without staring at your page.

I can't ignore, the fact that everything I see or hear reminds me of you.

I can't be myself, knowing you're so out of my touch.

Like a lost soul, wandering off into the wilderness.

Like a stranger, stranded on a piece of unknown land.

Like a migrating bird, flying off to somewhere with new skies for it to soar.

Like a newborn, unknown of the future.

Like me, lost without you.

Is that so difficult to understand, that I still love you? That I'm willing to take chances and make things right again? It's just the second day. But it's killing me, inside out.

when you have a broken heart, every love song seems to describe your feelings

This song, is too much to bear. But, it means something.

It's broken.

the wound is deepening, the tears are shedding, the heart, is aching

23rd June 2011.

Everything changed. Nothing will ever be the same again. It wasn't supposed to be this way. This ending is not how it was supposed to be. There should be no ending at all. I tried so hard to try to patch things right, to mend this gaping hole between us, but it's all too late. Perhaps. But the more I tried, the more barriers you have formed. I wasn't allowed to enter anymore. I'm right here, and you're so far away from me. What can I do anymore? I don't know. I wish I knew, I wish I could change things, I wish you would allow me to make things right. Why is it so difficult?

Why does it always happen to me? Because I'm weak? Or maybe because I'm the one who has been holding on too tightly that I've been blinded. Every time I build up my trust on something or someone, the cracks eventually appear all so sudden it catches me by surprise. There isn't anything I could do but let it get to me and slowly break me down. I try to be strong. Try to pretend everything's okay. Try to put on the smile. Try to pretend to be fine. But deep down, I'm not fine. I'm breaking into pieces. And I'm not sure time can heal. I'm really not fine at all this time. I can't be strong always. I'm simply falling apart now.

You were mine, and I was yours. Things have changed. But the feelings remained. What happened to those? I'm crying all my heart out but no one can hear me, not you, but only I hear them. There won't be anymore waiting for your text messages. 11.11 won't have the same meaning as before. Promises told are foregone. I don't even know how to face you now. There's no more waiting for the 1 year to come. How silly of me. Maybe I'm suffering alone now. But if you do, I won't know it. I wonder if it affects you as much as it affects me, hurts you as much as it hurts me. I don't know. I wish I knew.

What can I say? What can I do? Everything. And nothing. 

You were supposed to be these.   

imissyouandiloveyoustillijustwannasaveus

behind every pain, there's a thin line of hope that you're worth it

It's been 5 days already. Is that normal for you? It's not for me. I admit, I've been stubborn. But I'm holding on to this thin line of hope. I'm still holding on. I'll just wait. Maybe I'm just being silly. Or maybe I know you're worth it all.

imissyou.

where the sun meets the ocean, and the darkening sky awaits the longing moon

You know how when people says racing against time? It's really difficult. You can never know what might happen next, how will it turn out to be, or maybe it just doesn't go according to the way you planned it. And when it does happen, everything seems to fall upon you. There's this heavy weight that it seems like you'll never be able to stand upright again and lunge this burden far away from you. But you can. Cause that's just what you have to tell yourself. What I told myself. And keep telling myself.

Don't be stress, everything's gonna work out eventually. Just put a smile back on your pretty little face, you deserve much more than the sad face you're putting on now. Wipe away that trickle of tear, you look more beautiful without it. You may not see the light now, but even if you don't, as long as you have faith, walking through the darkest tunnel has no harm on you. Be strong, you will make it to the end.

Take a break, if you have too. Take it too, if you think you want to. Go out, jump around on the grassy plains, lie down and watch the blue blue sky. Look around, take in every little detail, because that's where beauty lies within. You may not know it's there, but believe me, open your heart, and everything around you is worth the attention.

A couple weeks more, I'll be gone. Not somewhere far, nor somewhere across the globe. No. I'm gone from this starting point, where I'll proceed to the next challenge of my life. Fear not, for God is always there. I know it. Have no doubts. For now, compose yourself and do not let anything bring you down. Your efforts will pay off. You'll see. 

When Foundation ends, I wanna go on a trip, far away from the city I'm used to. To a stranger's land, where adventure awaits. I'll explore, I'll see, I'll observe and I'll learn. I wanna walk along the shore, leaving a trail of footsteps behind, etched softly into the sandy white sand. I'll pick up seashells and write tiny notes. I'll insert them into glass bottles and let them swim far far away into the Neverland. Perhaps, some curious souls will pick them up and share my beautiful secrets. I'll sit on the beach and wait for dawn, and at dusk, I'll watch the sun leaves behind its darkening rays, just like in the movie of Pirates. A young lady, waiting patiently for her lover.One day on shore, ten years in sea. I'll wait, like Elizabeth did.

That will be the day I'll never forget.

buddy surprise

A week ago, I received another surprise from my buddy. ;D

But he came late and the thing was, how can a guy be late when he was supposed to fetch a girl??? ;P Lucky you it was only me.

And I was told to act as seductive as I could towards Captain Jack Sparrow. Ah, my love. <3 ;D

Someone said the flash was intended to enhance the obviousness of Angelica. ;P

Honestly, I never watched Transformers. No, seriously. Because I just didn't wanna watch anything that has to do with -man or superheroes. You know, like Superman and Spiderman and even X-men! And it's so not racist! They're not even of a race kind! ;P

But then in the cinema hall, there was a trailer on the upcoming third installment of Transformers. 

And it looked pretty cool. ;P

It's the missing head that interests me. I don't think I'll wanna watch X-men though. =/

I'll watch this though! Although I've no idea what this blue elf or dwarf is called. ;D

Please don't ask me what he was doing. Obviously something that should not have been captured on my camera. ;P

The so-called-wannabe gangster. ;P

Epic failed.

Double fail. 

I think this time's much better. HAHAHA

My food hadn't even arrived even after he was done eating! Goshhh!

And yes, finally. Hungry mad weh! ;P 

By the way, it was spicey!

And lastly, thank you for the surprise! Seriously kena surprised la! Thanks a lot weh buddy! ;D