in memory of your loving friend

Day 3.

I thought I could make a difference. I tried my best, but in the end, the truth has been too obvious. I wish I could turn back the time and make things right again. I never knew I was the cause of all these. I never knew all those little disputes would lead to this. I never knew. There's so much that I never knew. And all this while, you've got to suffer in silence for me. What else could I say except a remorseful sorry? What else could I do to mend these broken pieces and fill these gaps? What else, could I look forward to?

The last effort. The last hope. The last attempt. The last truth. But never the last tear. Never the last pain. Never the last wound. Never the last memory.

Somewhere along these bumpy roads, I've become lost. Lost in your eyes. Lost in your arms. Lost in your touch. Lost in your kisses. Lost in your care. Lost in your love. Lost in you.

I'm only left with the memories you gave me. Those are the things that I could only hold on to. Your gifts, your words, your whispers, your love. What more could I ask for? Selfish, insensitive, inconsiderate, intolerant me. Do I regret? Yes, the answer is yes.

I've been thinking and thinking. Non stop. It kills me. And yet, there's no way that I could stop it. 

"The first person who's on your mind the moment you open your eyes after a long sleep is the reason of either your happiness or your pain."

I fell asleep thinking I would be able to face this and take it head on after all. That everything will be alright and we would return to normal as how we used to before we even started. I was so convinced I could brace myself and take it all in. I was so sure, until the moment I woke up. Consciousness hit me hard. I wish it was hard enough to hit me back to sleep, or hit me back to where these problems began. But it couldn't. That was when I realized perhaps I have been too naive. Or maybe I was just reluctant to accept the fact that it is me who have been holding on for too long. That feeling you get when you realize it's almost impossible to do it but you know you've gotta continue on and do so because that's the only way through. I pray to God, for strength. For you. For me. For us. I still do.

I'll never give up. Because that's what life is. Life teaches me not to give up. Giving up is so much easier but I can't. And I don't want to. I'll learn to let go, I'll learn not to hold on. But I'll never allow myself to give up. Because we were too much to lose.

"True friends that exchange feelings."

I understand the meaning now. It is difficult. No one says it's ever simple. But that's just what I'll do. 

iwillbeyourlovingfriendbecauseiloveyou