let us cloud this silence with love

Rupert: "I <3 Emma Watson"

Awhhh, that's so adorable!!! Don't you love them? Yes, I do, so very much! ;D

Last night, it felt weird, strange, a night I have not felt in such a long time. I turned off my laptop and only with the radio and lights on, I lied down on my bed, waiting, waiting. That was what I used to do. Waited and waited. Waiting for something, waiting for someone, waiting for a miracle. Then as I laid down and being almost consumed by my surroundings, it was as if it had sparked a thought in me, something like a memory. I was waiting for a text. And that is why last night, it was really a night that I have not felt so in a pretty long time. I guess I miss texting in the night with you.

I went on this last-minute outing today. To KLCC. I would rarely go to KLCC and what's more going there on my own. I've learnt to board buses to KLCC from that area where you live. That was what you taught me, what you did with me. Now that I have to do it myself, I totally have no clue. And man, I even had to waste 5 bucks just for that Touch n' Go card for just one ride! Okay, two rides, but I don't think I would need to use it so often anymore right? I just think that if they want to implement this method, they should also retain their previous cash payment which would definitely be more convenient to all. Just saying, but I mean it. ;P

I never expected such an emotional day. Never. I never thought it would turn out this way, you know. As soon as I stepped down from the bus and leaped my first step towards KLCC, it was as if the tap has been turned on and my eyes literally sting and burned from those resisted tears. I thought it would not last long but clearly I was wrong. Entering the building and walking through those threaded paths made it even worse. Just not better at all. I could easily relate everything, almost everything to what we once shared. It definitely was a difficult day. It really was. I wonder if you feel the same when you visit KLCC. Or any other place that contain so much of us in the past.

I'm glad I decided to go to KLCC today. I actually wanted to go to this Digital Expo in which today will be the very last day of it. And you know what, just when I decided I wasn't going to spend any money today, I just ousted that promise to myself. Great. But that spending was totally worth it. Totally I tell you.

Isn't it pretty??? I'm so loving my new mouse now! And for only 10 bucks! Totally worth it. Still, I couldn't get myself an external hard disk. 299 is still too much for me to pay. Maybe I'll just wait a little longer for the next Digital Expo and maybe by then, mum could sponsor me a little. A little as in, half of it, perhaps. ;P

Sometimes, I can really surprise myself with the super crazy ideas that I could come up with. And yes, by saying that, another new and quite painstaking idea just popped into my mind as I was wandering in its interiors. It was probably because I was at Kinokuniya at that time? Or not? Gee, I have such poor memory. ;P This idea, will stay with me for now. It'll be a secret until I have finally managed to make it. Hopefully, HOPEFULLY, I could really accomplish it by then and just continue to pray and hope for a miracle. =) 

I guess it did its magic today. Wherever I went, you were there. So is my heart.

"Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking. And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me..."

"I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how, I've never heard silence quite this loud..."

-Story of Us, Taylor Swift

I think if I'd be a guy, I would be so romantic! ;P

But I still wanna be a girl. HAHAHA

that lovely message was 520

Yesterday, I was overjoyed when I got to know that my phone has been fixed.

Today, I'm saddened by the fact that fixing this phone would actually mean losing all messages and almost everything in it.

I am sad, really really sad by it. It kills me inside. I'm so lost, so lost and can't understand why is it happening to me. Why must it happen to me? And why must be those messages that I have to lose? Those messages mean everything, everything to me. And now, they're just gone, gone forever. Everything gone. Every single one of them. I still remember the ones that were the sweetest, and also those that were the most bitter. But I don't want to just have them in my memory, I want to see them and feel them too. Why can't I just hang onto this last chance, last hope? Why must things be so cruel sometimes? I just wish it wouldn't have happened on me. ='(

I wanted to ask you, face to face if you still have those messages that meant so much to you. I hope you still do, but then, I'm also afraid your answer might be otherwise. I wish you still have them, for I am hoping that maybe I could transfer them into my phone and keep them safe now. I've learnt, I've learnt to treasure such precious moments, thoughts, words. But I could never bring them back again. ='(

What could I say anymore? All is gone. Gone. 

they say love is patient and kind

29th July. 

Today was, just nice. Yup, that would be the word. When everything seems to fail you, pray to God. And I'm sure He helped me through today and clearly, everything went perfectly well. ;)

I donated blood today!!! Isn't that awesome? No, I don't mean to say I'm awesome but I don't mind though if you think I am. ;P But yeah, this would be my third time donating blood and luckily this time, though from the nurses' expressions, I could tell that they found it pretty confusing to locate my vein/artery, I didn't have to be injected several times just to get through my really shy vein. I think it should be an artery shouldn't it? It was my left hand that I used, so shouldn't that be an artery instead? Biology, ahem. ;P

I lied, again. I didn't mean to! ;P So basically, this was like the second time I lied about my previous meals just to be able to pass this 'test' for blood donation. Alright fine, I'll try my best to make sure I won't repeat this the next time. I'll TRY. ;)

Well, the second time when I donated blood, it was pretty, um, memorable to me now. Oh yeah, that memory will always stay with me now. Not merely because of the more-than-once injection but of the really sweet and caring treatment from you that day. Believe it or not, I guess I could still remember that one message with that sad face from you about my arm on the night I donated blood. Perhaps I'm just stupid enough to even make space for such trivial stuff. But I do.

I managed to take a picture of my awesome packet of blood! Um, well, it was after that only did I realize that there is no USB cable for Nokia phone and for some freaking reason that I do not know of, I can't transfer the picture through bluetooth. Oh well, should be thankful I've got a phone to use now right? Sorry. ;P

Met with mum at Maybank today, so much stuff, then went off to Taylor's, settled almost everything. Remember when I said when everything seems to fail you, just pray? I think that was it. I was so sure I could get it all done today but then at the eleventh hour, I realized that I did not have a spare copy of my sem 3's results and jeez, that feeling was just devastating. Imagine I came all the way just to get this done and suddenly this happened. But thank God, the original transcript was out already and at the end of the day, everything went well. Really well. =)

So it's 29th today. Another 29th, another month. Last month, at least I saw your status about it. But today, there's none. You know, I can't help but feel a little disappointed and maybe a little hurt. I think disappointment is slightly more than the latter but yeah. When I saw what you wrote on the last 29th, it felt different. Like, you still cared and you were hurt too of what had happened then. But now, I can't see that in you anymore. It's like the flicker of fire has just burnt out, leaving only a trail of smoke, a rejected hope. 

Then suddenly, I had this crazy but super awesome idea. I can be so awesome sometimes that I even surprise myself. ;P Gee, I should probably substitute that awesome word with another awesomer one. ;P And that awesome idea is to have a piece of cake on the 29th of every month. Well man, I should have thought of that last month! But I guess it's not too late to start something new right? ;)

I think I suggested this too on the 29th of earlier months when, well, you know. And now, I';; revive this abandoned custom. I might just make it into one of my usual habit and then it'll be my tradition! How cool does that sound?? ;DDD I guess since I'm the only one so determined on holding on and promising myself that that it will be worth it, even if it might turn out otherwise, I shall make it a point to do so in the coming days of the 29th of each month. It may not work out but what if it does? What if I just, somehow, get used to this whole idea and maybe this will be the reason that brings me through and perhaps, just perhaps, for things to work out for us as well? Who knows right? A girl like me, just cannot afford to lose any hope in whatever that she's doing. I just can't and don't and won't. Maybe it's just meant to be, you know. 

Just minutes ago, it struck me, that maybe I was never meant to just 'settle down', you know. I'm not talking about the marriage kind of settling down or what but the kind where I'm always on the move. You see, since young, I've never had a fixed condition or place. Things change so fast sometimes that I could be swept off my feet. Of course, I would not regret it for I don't think regretting it makes my life any better than it is now. I never had a really fixed schooling. So if you tell me how it feels like to have a gathering with all your primary friends or secondary friends that you have been with for the last five or ten years, I simply could not truly understand how it actually feels like. Why am I even talking about this? I think the point is that, it just struck me that maybe I'm one of those people who just seem to be roaming this planet and no matter how much the need or yearning to finally settle down, it could never be satisfied. I don't know if there's even such a thing but somehow, it seems, like the most fitting explanation I could convince myself now. Perhaps you don't see the connection between this and what I'm feeling now but I guess it sort of makes sense to me, for now. Quirky, ain't I? That would be cool too! I could follow the footsteps of Johnny Depp! ;D

American Chocolate. I even thought of treating myself to Secret Recipe but nahhh, I've been using too much money lately. This will do. ;) This, will be the first cake in collaboration of this 29th. For now, it'll be only me. I've watched movies, where people do silly stuff when they wait for love. I guess I am too.  Love letters, paper crates, cards, flowers and all sorts. Mine will be cakes. I like cakes anyway but then, I'll be fat. I once told myself that someday, I would want to randomly buy a 1kg cake just to eat it for the entire week. So I do weird stuff, at least that's what my heart wants. Definitely not what my brain would encourage since I'm always the one grunting about my weight and how I go about looking myself in the mirror and telling myself I'm fat and that I've gotta lose weight and all. Okay, screw those all for just this one day of the whole freaking month alright? *pinky promise* I love pinky promises, we enjoyed that, once. In short, this is what I will do. A piece of cake for the 29th of every month. For the time being,  I shall do it on my own first. Maybe I'm just hoping that this sweetness and fond memory will lead the way for you. This is how I'll wait. =)

Supposedly the 11th month.

PS. Good news: My phone has been fixed! I'll collect it tomorrow and hopefully, *fingers crossed* everything's alright and nothing's lost. Thank God. =)

"After all this time?", "Always."

Something happened last night. I went into the kitchen to get ready for dinner and very suddenly, I had a glimpse of the rubbish bin just below the sink. What caught my attention immediately was that the box of chocolate you gave me on Valentine's Day was in it. I knew there was only one chocolate left in in but I couldn't and didn't want to finish it because that would mean, it'll be finished. Gone. And I would not have anymore left. And now, it's just getting worse, I won't even be able to keep the box to myself. I thought grandpa removed the last piece from the box and so I checked the box of Ferrero Rocher but that final piece was not in there. Instinctively, I said aloud that grandpa threw my box of chocolate away and then mum, who came in behind me said that she actually ate the last one. I wasn't mad or anything. Perhaps, I was just sad, real sad that I wasn't the one who get to savour this last one and worse still, the box. The box will be gone now.

Another thought came to me yesterday as I was about to take an evening nap. It was a really terrifying thought. One that will continue to haunt me until I am assured that it will not happen. My phone, the one that has been with me since approximately 5 years ago. No, it would probably have been more than 5 years. The other day, it became totally unusable. Now, it's been handed over to this shop and till now, I couldn't be sure whether it can be fixed or not. Even if it can, if it costs too much, I guess mum would prefer me to get a new one instead. Here's the thing, what if my phone can't be fixed and all the messages can't be retrieved??? It scares me so much just by thinking of the possibility of it happening. Those were the most precious memories and conversations that I hold on to now. With them gone, I don't know if I could handle such a huge loss. I don't think I could even do so. I just can't accept the fact that I might lose all those messages. Why is this even happening??? ='((

Sometimes, incidents such as these seem like coincidences to me. Or sometimes, I would think of them as a way of God's telling, perhaps, in conveying a certain message. And from these two incidents, it brings me to the conclusion that maybe they are happening to me to tell me to let go and move on. But no, this conclusion is the last thing that I want to be true. I can't stop myself from thinking that it might be so to convince me in obeying those advices but at the same time, I do not want to acknowledge them as well. I overthink, yes, I do, too much sometimes. Maybe I'm terrified, maybe I'm just scared you know. I just don't want to lose those messages. I cannot bear to lose them. ='((

Please, please please, just please, not those messages. I need them. ='((

Dear God, please, I ask of you. Not those messages, not even one of them. I'll cry. It'll hurt too much.

the love of mardy burn

23rd July.

It's been a month. This date last June, that was when everything changed. Everything I was waiting for, hoped for, wished for, imagined, vanished. I never knew how this day was like for you. Was it easy? Just another normal day? Or was it a date you remembered because it hurt you for knowing that it's been so long since the existence of 'us'? It never left my mind, and definitely not something I could erase from my heart. Because it's just too precious to be gone with it. I think of you, and I won't deny that.

The day before I left for Malacca, I asked mum's permission for the trip.

Me: Mi, can I go to Malacca tomorrow?

Mum: With who?

Me: Friend

Mum: How many?

Me: One

Mum: Boyfriend ah?

Me: No

Why did she only acknowledge it when it's all different already? Why did she not acknowledge it much earlier? And that hurt my heart even more. And now, I've become so sensitive to the word 'boy/girlfriend'.

Even after so long, I could still relate almost everything and anything to what we shared before. To you, especially. Almost everything, I mean it. I wish it happens to you as well. I wish you think of me too whenever you see or do something that we once saw, we once talked about, we once argued about, we once cherished, we once shared, we once loved. You. It was all you. It still is.

I miss you, but I couldn't tell you. And that's why it kills me inside. Everything I see, reminds me of you. Whenever I see you smile, it makes me smile too, and then I realize I would hardly get that smile from you anymore. Whenever I become aware of your frustration or sadness, I think of how I used to be the one who could cheer you up or the one you would turn to tell to. I think of you a lot, and really a lot. I wonder if you do too. 23rd will be another date that I would not forget. I miss you, I really do. 

I love you.

journey to the south- the perfect getaway

Degree's starting soon and holidays are just, well, ending already. I mean, can you seriously believe it? Just as I was getting used to the super relaxed holiday life I m having right now, classes will commence in no time and oh well, busy busy BUSY. True enough, I woke up this morning and realization hit me that the hectic life I abandoned a couple of weeks earlier will be BACK starting tomorrow. Yay? Or nay?

Anyhow, I think I've spent this holiday pretty fulfilling. I finished reading the Vampire Diaries you gave me, I finished watching One Tree Hill season 1, I bought a book from Kinokuniya, I met up with my awesome future doctor buddy, En Hau and last of all and seriously the most memorable and FUN one (all were fun actually ;D) the Malacca trip. It could be considered a pretty last minute trip but then now that I think of it, it wasn't that last minute either. At least I planned on going on a trip to Malacca even before my Finals. And thank God, we finally made it. I finally got what I wanted. ;)

So on Friday, 22nd July, we left KL and I was the one who drove there. I guess we reached in about 2 hours plus and checked into Time Hotel at 3 plus in the afternoon. Of course, having been to De Hotel in Ipoh, I would expected more from this but then again, it wasn't a bad or rundown hotel though. There was air-con, shower, tv. Oh yeah, enough for a night. ;)

This trip was almost all about Jonker Street. Yeah, Jonker Street, Jonker Street and STILL Jonker Street. ;P Good though, cause I've always wanted to go there. On the first day there, we literally walked from the starting point to the end point of Jonker Walk. From late afternoon till night. Food, food, food and trying on beach hats, going from shop to shop, store to store, admiring little art pieces and potential souvenirs and ALMOST ALWAYS followed by, "So cuteeee!" Seriously, use another word, can? ;P

Saw this too! I didn't know there was one in Malacca but well, there was and I suppose it was much presentable than the one in KL. HAHAHAHA. Oh well, Stamford. I guess it still continues to ring a bell in my mind.

Look what I've brought! My lovely bolster that has been with me through thick and thin, literally. ;) I've always wanted to put it in my car but then I also need it when I sleep and even I'm not asleep. In short, I just need it at all times. <3

Somebody PLEASE tell me this does NOT look like Winnie the Pooh. No, really, look closely and carefully at it. Which part of it actually do look like Winnie the Pooh?? No right?? And it's yellow! Winnie the Pooh is slightly orange isn't it? ;P

As usual, girls will still be girls. Taking loads and loads of pictures even in the hotel room! ;D

Our very first meal there. I tried the fruit rojak. Sort of overpriced for me but I guess for the portion of it, it could be considered reasonable and the sauce, *thumbs up*

I like this tree. I thought it was a bonzai by its curves. *whistles* Alright, clearly I have a height problem in this picture. Blahhhh

I like this. ;)

Was it the curves, or my butt? LOL

That thing was HOT. As in, under the sun hot. And look where her hands were. ;P

Uhm, no comment. ;P

Found this well. Awesome right??? And there was still water beneath it! Omg, I was so excited for no reason. LOL

And lucky us (or not), we saw this couple taking their bridal pictures. So we went, *deeeeep sighhhhh*

I'm short. Really short. Why so short? Cannot be so short. I'm short! 

Doesn't this setting exudes the cottage-like environment? Ahhhh... *melts*

"I was thinking bout you..."

"Thinking bout me..."

Oh no, no way. Just thinking about someone.

I asked her to take this picture (above) and I think she said couldn't see clearly or something like that. Who knows, she was actually trying to take this...

Yeah, this! (above) Hen hao xiao yi xia. ;P

She got her wish granted at last- Jonker Street. Since they missed it the last time they went right? ;)

And mine too! Jonker Street will be OUR hot spot! ;P

The appropriate poses.

The weirdo's pose. Really, can I get any weirder??? ;P

Much better in this right? Yeah, I know. ;P

Guess what we found? 'Bing tong wu lou'!!! The only reason I know of them is through Hong Kong dramas and I've always wanted to try them. And how lucky we were to have stumbled upon this! There were the ones coated with chocolate while there were those coated with a layer of syrup. Before it was to be eaten, the auntie soaked them in cold water for a brief half a minute or so to freeze the syrup and to give the fruits a chill. I suppose that's the reason though. ;P

The second last fruit. Lucky her. Know why?

Cause this last one was super duper freaking hard to bite and not to mention it was really really SOUR! I threw it away in the end. HAHAHA

And someone spent 50 bucks on these Winnie the Pooh car accessories. 50 bucks. Wow. ;P

Another round of FOOD! Man, the Fried Kuey Teow was really tasty. The fried oyster's and fried kuey teow's aroma were enough to pull us towards it. No joke man. But then, the fried oyster still couldn't match the one in Penang. That was the best I've ever tasted so far. =)

That night was just perfect. That time, he told me all about their time spent lying on the open field and now, I get to experience it for myself. What's different is knowing I couldn't tell you everything about it anymore. Oh well.

I just wanted to capture this so much! ;D

No, I wasn't bored.

Yes, I was trying to figure out the best way to take pictures in the dark. ;P

So was she. 

Some 'corpse' pictures. Man, why in the world did we even think of that in the first place? ;P

That night was pretty cool. We stayed up till 1am, past midnight. We even witnessed an alleged burglary! Okay, not literally. The building further away had its alarm gone off. On an off, on and off for repeated times and then we saw someone flashing the torchlight around the room as if trying to spot some guy donned in full black. I added the latter part. ;P

We talked about so many things. What we're going through, our past and even science came into topic. But it was really nice. Lying down on the ground and watching the sky, counting stars, though there weren't much and letting the calmness around you consume you whole and only our conversation was my consciousness. We never used 'names' though, just 'him' and 'him'. And some times, it got me thinking about the possibilities and how nice would it be if I could turn back the clock to where it all started. To fix things, perhaps? I was surprised by myself that I managed to not fall asleep the whole time. ;P I think it was 1 plus before we finally left and went back to our hotel. And we still did not sleep immediately cause we were watching some random 60s-ish movie. It was not until 4 plus that I finally said I was going to sleep and only we went to bed. Exchanging good nights really made me think of you. I guess it's been quite some time nobody has said that to me, at least not you.

HAHA. Guess what! I turned on the tv and on HBO, this was playing. Oh yeah, Clash of the Titans. And then she told me something about this movie. Memories, all memories. Why do they cause so much pain? Yikesss. Anyway, we were so reluctant to leave the hotel room. At least I was. Gee, I wanted to continue watching it la! ;P

Final camwhore! ;D I love how we played around with the camera angles and placements and stuff like that. ;)

At last! Managed to savour Malacca's famous chicken rice ball. See, this could also remind me of something you told me and something we argued about. Ohhhh welllllll.

The rice balls were really CUTEEEE!!! They looked like glutinous rice balls to me. ;D I like eating 'tong yuen' too! They were so adorable I didn't even want to eat them. ;P This was delicious! Okay, I think I was pretty hungry by then and so it appeared delicious to me. But then, I think it was quite delicious too. HAHAHA

Jump shot FAILED. HAHAHAHA

Our precious little keychains. There exists meaning behind it. There is a reason I want to make this keychain. There is a reason why it still means so much to me. There is a reason this keychain even exists between us. That's why there is a reason this gift will be the most precious and valuable of all. <3

I got a super massive ultra unbelievably super duper giant heart attack when I dropped it at the petrol station. Thank God the attendant saw it and asked me about it. Really, it scared me to death. And that wasn't a pretty nice feeling for me. =S I'll keep it safe, for now. I'll take real good care of it. I'll keep it with me, in my heart, until then. <3

And that, was the perfect ending for our perfect little getaway. ;)

Thanks for going on this crazy, last minute trip with me, Lai Yee. I truly appreciate it and for now, I could say that I managed to make the best of my 2 week holidays. Thank you so much. =)