she was just hiding the tears behind that smile and laughter

"Only doing things out of frustration
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard"

"She needs me now but I can't seem to find a time"

"Sit talking up all night

Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah

We're smiling but we're close to tears

Even after all these years

We just now got the feeling that we're meeting

For the first time"

I mustered up the courage to go for badminton today. Guess it was the first step that I have to take to continue this journey. No, it wasn't easy. Well, it seemed easy at first, when it was just me, Wei Ming and Ting Sen there. And no, not anymore after the topic I knew was sure to come, came. And not anymore after you've reached. And definitely not anymore when your gaze met mine, for the first time after weeks. Maybe I should give myself a pat for putting on such a good show. TS asked, won't it be awkward? Of course it will. WM asked, okay already? No, it hasn't been okay ever since that last word. And it's not okay yet. I don't think it will be for a very long time to come. I admit, at one moment, these stubborn tears were just on the verge of falling. I got through. I pulled it through. I even took the first step to make the situation less awkward. They asked, why was I so happy today? I answered, because I want to be happy. 

I couldn't avoid this. Sooner or later, I'll have to face it and deal with it. Yet, I wonder, are you pretending as much as I do? Are you hiding your pain behind these wonderful smiles of yours? Are you secretly hoping that we could take back everything we said out of frustration and hurt? Are you wondering if I'm genuinely happy right now or that was just a perfect lie? Did you see through me, thinking, "Stop pretending, you silly. It's killing you as much as it's killing me."? Were you thinking, "How could I have let you go?"? Were you thinking, "I want you back in my arms."?

Cause those were the questions circling my mind. I can't keep them out, nor could I ignore them. 

I was there, making the first eye contact with you. I was there, passing by you and acting like everything was fine. I was there, hoping you would at least take a glimpse over at me while I was at the court. I was there, sitting at the bench, patiently watching you and smiling at your smiles, at your laughter, at your joy. I was there, so distant. 

This music video is so colourful. To be honest, I actually paid more attention to the colours than the song. But watching Coldplay in the video made me smile, for no reason. My life right now may be half-coloured with the most basic colours. But believe me, someday, not far from now, it will be gradually filled with all sorts of colours. Just like a rainbow. But it will be more than just an ordinary rainbow. It will be a rainbow that represents my life. A rainbow that speaks for me. A rainbow that is a coloured version of me. And God, will be shining in the centre of all. Perhaps, I shall chalk in some illuminated colours, like, a glow in the dark thing or something? ;)




"You can close your eyes to things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel"


"Maybe it's not always about trying to fix something broken. Maybe it's about starting over & creating something better."


"Love comes to those who still hope after disappointment, who still believe after betrayal, and who still love after they've been hurt."




You look amazing. I miss seeing that. =')