there, i said it

9th January 2010

Saturday

So I told her

The truth

I wasn't hiding anything

But in the car, she already came to that topic

I knew she would have known

Thanks to my grandma

But she didn't directly point it out

I guess she already knew by then

I wanted to tell her but I didn't know and didn't dare to start

Damn it

Sucks

And thanks to him

I really told the truth

I'm having a relationship now

Maybe it was better?

I pray to God to let things work out

I said I didn't know what to do and how to tell

But she already knew

And that made it easier?

But I still feel so so so terribly awfully bad and sorry about all this

I really do

I involved him into this

I know, he said no worries and we're in this together and stuff but I still feel so bad

On behalf of her perception towards him

I know he's not like how she thought he is

I just feel like I'm a jerk, you know

Like, for all she said

And I know those weren't true

And he was still being nice and understanding

And I totally get it if it kinda offend you or something

And I know you said not to apologise for anything already

But still

I am so sorry

For all the trouble and whatever that happened

Urgh

I gain one but I lose all

Sounds like something?

And she asked if it was because I felt that I am unwanted and nobody loves me

I dunno

I don't wanna feel like I'm self-pitying

No, I so do not wanna be like that

It feels so pathetic

No offence

But just to me

Sorry

I know

Family comes first

I don't even know if I am part of the family

You know I wouldn't follow him

And when you said you could just leave me here with him

It just made me feel like, homeless

And really unwanted

I don't belong anywhere

Right?

*trying not to sound self-pitying*

=(

Everything's so confusing now

I don't even know what to believe

Confrontation phobia right now

I need God

=(

xoxo