when i needed you most

2nd February 2010

Tuesday

This morning was really a bad start to my day

Maybe it was all my fault

And it most probably is

And now I really think it was all my fault

I was inconsiderate? Insensitive? Demanding? Not understanding at all? Selfish?

Now I'm hating myself for that

=(

I thought too much

Thinking stuff that was way beyond the truth

Imagining stupid ideas

I am so sorry babe

I didn't mean to simply say things that are not even true

I didn't really mean to judge you or whatever

At least not intentionally

I didn't mean to be so not understanding

I didn't mean to spoil your day

I didn't mean to upset you

I didn't mean to make you feel bad

I didn't mean to do anything that will upset you

But I did those

And I was wrong

I am so sorry

Please forgive me

=(

But even if you don't forgive me, I can understand it

It's my fault anyway

So, my day, was completely screwed

I reached Pav quite early

And feeling so not in the mood, I went to the Times

I was so in a rotten mood that even the joke book I found earlier would make no improvement to my mood then

Whatever

I was absolutely feeling very down

And I really really really wished that I was alone and no one esle was there and I could have my own privacy to cry out

=(

I went to the far end

Only one guy was sitting at the bench, reading

I saw this book

Famous quotes from Bible

Which was what I needed most at that time

I needed God more than ever

=(

And whether you wanna believe it or not

Just as I received your message after that brief silence, I really broke down

Well, as hard as I tried to refrain myself from doing so, I was really having a hard time and my emotions were all in a mess

It was not good

I was definitely not feeling good

Not at all

=(

Luckily my eyes weren't that red

Or else people would know I've been crying and that is really embarassing and it sucks

A lot

Enough of that now

And gotta get start for my work today

2pm-10pm

Break at 5pm

As difficult as it was to hide my emotions, it was never easy to put on a tough approach

Treating as thought nothing has happened and I am not at all affected by what happened which was so not true because I was really very much affected by what has just happened

It totally messed up my day

And it was almost my break time then

I was sering a customer

And that was when suddenly someone banged me on the shoulder from behind

I was like, who the hell so rude? So kurang ajar?

Then I turned and saw a guy in black walking forwards

His back facing me

And then he stopped in front of the sandals' section

And he tured 180 degrees and that allowed me to see his face

And totally not an unfamiliar one

In fact, a very familiar and unmistakable one

Matt!

Duh?!

Banged me???

How dare you!!!

Haha

And I told him it was almost my breaktime

So he waited, together with Fudzail and Aidil

Then we went to KFC

I didn't eat

I mean, I was kinda on diet?

Lol

But my stomach has been causing me uneasiness and uncomfortable lately

Really

It makes me feel so uneasy man!

And uncomfortable

And sick!

Urgh

My stomach feels so bloaty

Is that the word? Bloaty?

Lol

I dunno

Sounds something like that

*stomach uneasy right now*

*urgh*

Resumed work at 6pm

Time passed kinda quickly

Or I thought so

Okay, talk about after work

I texted him, as promised

Then he said he was at the Times

And then I gotta go up the escalator again

And that was when I saw him and Andy sitting at the bench outside Times

I was like, hoping he didn't notice me there

Urgh

*cold*

Then went to meet his mum

*cold*

Waited for his mum

*cold*

Then we went off to The Ship

Seriously, my lifestyle has totally changed now that I'm with him?

Living expensively???

Damn it man!

It makes me feel so damn guilty

Seriously man

My stomach was so bloaty and making me feel so uncomfortable by then

=(

*not so cold anymore*

On the way home

His mum drove

Andy was in the front passenger seat

So I was with him at the back seat

He was close to me

I'm sorry but I wasn't feeling so good at that time

Due to my stomach

Sorry

=(

The better you are to me, the worse I'll feel

Makes me sound like I'm an intolerant girlfriend

It sucks

You lied on my shoulders

And you held my hand

And I felt guilty and terrible for all I did and said this morning

=(

I wanted you more than I already did

I wanted to be near you more than I could

I wanted you

I needed you

I want you

And I need you

Right now

You looked so cute when you were trying to remember how to fold a shirt

How could any 17-year-old dunno how to fold a shirt?

=)

And you just put a smile on me

A smile directly from my heart

My heart melted before you

You complete me

And the way you bragged to your mum that you know how to fold a clothe was really really really very adorable to me

You're nice to me

I should be nicer

And I like the way when you said the baked potato was delicious

And how you put butter on your steak and baked potato

You looked so cute

=)

I am liking every little thing about you now

I am indeed falling deeper and deeper into you

And all I ask for is for you to catch me when I fall

As I definitely will do the same to you

I like you more and more each day

PS. Forgive me. I'm very sorry. =(

PS. I love you.

xoxo