pointless

18th February 2010

Thursday

I finished work at 8pm

I didn't know where to go yet

Not home at least

I wanted to go to Parkson's Lingerie Fair actually

LOL

Anyway

I texted my mum and asked her if she could fetch me from Pav and waited for so long also she did not reply and I almost wanted to go home myself

I missed called her then only she called me back

LOL

But that wasn't the main point

While waiting for my mum's 'reply'

I walked around Pav

Yeah, I was damn tired already

I stood for almost the whole day and it's impossible not to be tired

But still, I walked and walked

I wanted to go shopping

I really do

At Mid Valley though

And at one point

I was at the top floor

6th floor

I was walking towards the central elevator

And nothing was in my mind except for these

However my heart's desire to go shopping at Mid Valley, it was still dampened by the thought of you

When you said you wanted to go shopping with me

It will no longer happen

Taking LRT this morning on my way to work and upon reaching station Chan Sow Lin

It reminded me of you

And I would no longer ever change to Ampang line to go to Cempaka

No longer waiting for you to fetch me from Cempaka and still would have no idea where to go and in the end, we would end up at your house

It will no longer happen

Passing by Converse during my break when I headed to the cinema to find Eve, it reminded me of that day when I went shopping with you

And eventually you bought a Converse tee

And I could still remember that day

And how you longed to buy that Adidas tee you saw

But you still haven't bought it yet huh?

But I would have no chance to buy it with you or even see you wear it

It would never happen

That day when my mum parked her car in Pav's carpark, it reminded me of the times when I would sit beside you in your car and comment on your driving skills which are actually good

But I said they suck anyway

I didn't mean that

=]

Because the way you defended yourself looked so adorable

And my heart would totally melt in front of that sight

And I told my mum to park at the parking lots nearest to the elevator leading up to Madam Kwan's

But I couldn't find it somehow

I guess my sense of direction is incomparable to yours

I wanted my mum to park near that elevator because you always park there

But I would never see you park there anymore

Cause I won't be beside you when you're driving anymore

it won't be me now

Not ever already

It will not happen

And the one thing that so fully reminded me of you is still Starbucks

Whether you want to believe it or not, I would surely want to pass by Starbucks at least once a day during my working days

I would be foolishly hoping so hard that I would see you sitting there

With Andy maybe

The seats that were always so easily visible from the accending elevator

It was really my vantage point

I hope against all odds, knowing it was all my imagination and you would never be there

But somehow, I still hope for it to happen

Hope that whatever had happened for the last few days between us was just some sort of a prank and nothing of it was true

But I guess it's reality after all

I just wish you would tell me now that you were just playing a prank on me

And that's just all

Nothing serious about that

But it won't happen right?

It's not the point

You said it so clearly yourself

And I just don't want to simply accept it just like that

I passed by Esprit and even went in

And it reminded me of the day when I met your brother and Lushan

And how you scared her from behind, making her thought that she was blocking someone's way

And how you laughed about it

When I said you were so mean

I guess I just like you being that way

But it will not happen

And cinemas

Cinemas totally remind me of you

Not a time when I would go to the cinema without recalling the times we went for movies

I still have the tickets

And believe me, I will not throw them away

I dunno if you would want to keep them or not

Maybe they don't matter to you anymore now

Starting from Alvin and The Chipmunks

And the last movie was Black Ransom I guess

The movies I watched in cinema for the past month is almost equivalent to the number of movies I watch in a year before I came to know you

And yet, it won't happen again

I will not be the one who will go for movies with you alone

Not me anymore

No longer will I feel the warmth of your hands

They always feel so comfortable when they're wrapped around mine

But from now on, mine will always be as cold as always, without your warmth to shield me

No longer I will be spending my off days at your house

Just lying on your bed and eventually falling asleep

And you would cover me with blankets and stroking my hair from my face

No longer would I ever smell that scent of yours that I came to love so much

It would not be for me anymore

And I will definitely miss it

It's an addiction

And I'm addicted to it

And I'm deprived of it now, causing severe withdrawal sysmptoms that no medication can cure

No longer would we have ticklish moments

And how I longed for those moments to repeat themselves again

I would give anything to have those blissful moments with you again

And when I was crossing the street today

At exactly that street where I was passing in front of you at the trafffic light

It reminded me of you again

It was so silly of us I guess

Or maybe me

For not getting into the car

There's just so much

So much love, so little time

Call it coincidence or what

That exact phrase was on a PA tee

Seriously

And when I asked Azrul to don it on the mannequin, he thought I had some deeper meaning behind it

Maybe I do have

But it will not happen anymore

And everytime I pass by Thomas Sabo, it reminds me of the bracelet you gave me

I was so speechless when you gave it to me

I barely resisted my tears from flowing down

You were too busy to notice anyway

But I won't be wearing it anymore

It hurts me to wear it

Knowing it was the perfect gift from you

And sometimes, due to my limitless imaginations that know no boundaries, the thought of the day when you and Andy were at Vincci Accessories peeping would just appear to me

It sounds totally incredulous and impossible to happen

But how could you expect me to control these thoughts?

You're always in my mind

Sometimes I just wonder if you would ever think of me or even miss me after all that had happened

After our break up?

It's the first time I think of this question

Cause the answer matters a lot

An honest one that is

I know I've wrote too much in this post

Sorry, I could not help it

Or maybe I could

But where else could I express myself other than here?

I am sorry if you think I have ignored you telling me not to blog ever personal stuff here

I did not take it seriously

It was my fault

But nothing I say now would ever change what have happened

Nothing

That's not the point, like you said

I need time

I want you back in my life

But it's not gonna happen

It never does

I'm done here

Second chances are always ever the most difficult thing you could ever get on this earth

Now I realise

And everything's too late I guess

It's not whether you want a second chance or not

It's whether that person wants to give it to you or not

And I guess someone just won't give me this chance

And for the time being, I would be living with guilt and regrest and a sense of longing for something that would never be mine again and just another broken heart

A flawed heart

It's never been in a perfect condition

Sleepiness and headache are getting at me now

But not as painful as the pain stabbing at my heart

I'm done here this time

xoxo