30th December 2009
Wednesday
I told them about my job
And they told him
As always
I had already expected that
But what I didn't expect was your kind of perception towards my new found job
What is wrong with being a sales promoter?
I don't see anything wrong with that
Talking about being equivalent to status
I am not that status conscious okay?
Yeah, true, you got a job for me at your office
I said I didn't want to
I am not interested in IT stuff
Fine, then I can work at my mum's office
I agreed
But I also wanted to hunt for a job myself and I wanna be independent
I am 17 now okay?
Yeah, 17 means nothing to you
NOTHING
Grown ups are always like that aren't they?
They think you're still young
Well, I am young
That is a fact
But you can't always protect me right?
Life is not a bed of roses
And I am aware of that perfectly well, in case you dunno
I have seen that happened to us in the past 10 years
I am fully aware of that
Yeah, I admit that I have no exposure to the real world
So what?
I can and will learn
That is life isn't it?
I have to know my status?
What the hell is my status then?
You said I am a straight A student and that makes me have to work at an office, not as sales promoter selling clothes
Come on, what is wrong with that?
And this is just a temporary job
It's not like I'll be doing this for the rest of my life
You just don't believe that I can work my way out
I know I kinda failed being a waitress last time
But I am determined to work it out this time
I know I can
God will help me
I will prove it to myself
I have no need to prove it to you since you don't even have faith in your own daughter
Fine
Whatever man
And from my part time job, you went on to college
Twice already you talked to me about it
Yeah, you were the one talking
I am so not gonna use the word discuss
Cause obviously there were no discussions and you were the one talking and planning things for me when all I could do was just listen
You call that discussing?
I'd better get you a dictionery if you need
I'm not being rude here okay?
You said I don't respect you
Yeah, maybe I don't
But what is it that made me not respect you?
You said you couldn't understand my thinking
Fine then
If you still can't understand, then better don't understand
Or maybe, you just didn't wanna understand
Everything's your way
You asked me to be open-minded and not to close all doors
And you asked me why am I so stubborn
Okay, I admit I am stubborn
Then why not turn it around and see it from another angle
Why not say that you're the one who is stubborn and you're just not being open-minded?
I know your intentions are good
And I wasn't trying to be ungrateful or what
I didn't wanna disappoint you
But you have to get a grip and understand that this is my life and I will be doing what I will be studying for the rest of my life
Why can't you believe that I can make it?
You rather choose to believe that what you choose and plan for me are way better than my own choice just because I am lack of exposure
Well, since you said that, then what about you opposing my job and not see it as a way of exposing myself to the real world?
It is not my thinking
It is your perception that makes things so worse, do you know that?
And asking about what my mum thinks on my choice of course
I said she will support me
And I feel so annoyed and disgusted, to be perfectly honest, that you have no respect for her as well
The way you reacted towards my answer was like, looking down and humiliating me and her you know
It just got me thinking, why God made this so hard for me
Well, I know
Behind everything that happens there will be something good
I know this will be just another obstacle
It's just the beginning
I know
But you just don't repect my choice
And you have no faith in me
And definitely you won't support me either
I really don't understand man
For years you didn't even care to know about my school life and stuff like that
And now all of a sudden you are taking control and you wanna plan everything for me
And the thing is
You didn't even ask whether I like it or I want it or not
But you just assumed, or maybe you didn't even care to bother, about my choice
You said you are disappointed with my thinking
But you never knew that I am disappointed too
More than you could ever think of
I cried almost the whole night
And after the first time you talked to me, it subdued
And yet you still want the second time
And for your info, it was already past midnight
And I really don't understand your timing man
It's always the wrong timing to talk to me
Just before my sejarah SPM paper
And also my add maths paper
And in the morning when I have not even finished my breakfast
And now late at night
What was all that about man?
And please, don't compare me with Hsing Hyii
He wanna be a scientist
He has big dreams
He said he wanna excel in the 3 main science subjects and also Add Maths
I am very proud of that
But don't compare me with him
I hate comparisons okay?
You think everyone's the same?
It's not!
I did my best in the 3 science subjects even though I don't even understand Physics that much
But still, I 'forced' myself to study and do my best
I really dunno how the hell to explain to you
Or maybe I don't think you will try to understand my explanation either
5 credits to study Mass comm
Arts students also can study that
What for wanna study science stream
Come on, please be sensible
You were being unreasonable man
I took up science stream because I wanted to study science
I'm taking mass comm
It's not about drawing or whatever
Urgh
I'm sick and tired of it man
Everytime I have a great day or everytime I am perfectly happy
You always succeed to ruin it
And you did it too this time
Congratulations
I cried for I-dunno-how-long
My eyes were so swollen
So red
Headache
And for the first time ever, I really felt hurt to my heart core
Fine if you don't wanna believe
I don't need you to believe any of this 'crap' if that is what you wanna call it
You think journalism is nonsense?
Then don't even bother to talk about double degreee
You think I'm a genius
I am not a straight A student okay?
And hello?
There are hundreds and thousands of straight A students out there
What makes you think I am better than them?
For all you know, I am just an average student
And I am happy for that
I don't have to aim to be the best among the best
I know there will never be the best
There's always better
You just don't understand me
Then don't even bother about it man
I'm fine with that
I will be able to handle it
I can take loans if scholarship fails
I told my mum about it
Cause I still feel very insecure about our financial status right now
And I admit it
I am well prepared if you can't and won't support me financially if I choose mass comm
Fine then, by all means
There are always other options
God will show me the way
I have no worries for that
And no qualms for that
As long as my mum supports me, that's enough
If you won't support me, it's fine
I won't blame you for anything
And you said I will regret if I choose mass comm
But I'm telling you this
I will no doubt regret a lot more and maybe for my whole life if I don't choose mass comm
Financial or interest, you asked me
I said interest
You're fed up with me
Then by all means, don't even bother
You don't understand my thinking?
By all means, forget it and forget about me and everything
You want me to leave?
Just say so
I am not afraid
Fear to the Lord himself
I am not going against you
I tried to explain to you
But it seemed pointless
Up to you whatever you wanna say or do
I can no longer change your perception on me
And I don't see the need to do so anymore
There's more to express
More to write about
But I am so so tired of it now
My eyes are still swollen
And I still have to go out with Kinn later on
Thanks to you man
Not you, Kinn
Now I look damn bloody awful
My body is hot
But not fever
I am uneasy
I no longer wanna see you or face you
I am not going to the living room for breakfast
I am going out
You know why?
I wanna avoid you
I have nobody to tell now
My blog is all I've got now
Hmm
Please, come march, be prepared to be disappointed
I am sorry
I am perfectly sorry to let you down
But you just have to believe I can do it and I will do it
By God's grace
I know I can
If you don't believe me and have no faith in me whatsoever
Then forget it
Okay?
I hope I will be fine later
Damn it, Kinn, I look terrible!!!
OMG
=)
Be prepared
God help me please
Show me the right way
I have faith
I believe
I really do
xoxo just for you
claira.xoxo