i had a panic attack

30th November 2009

Monday

I had a panic attack

I had a nervous breakdown

That says it all

='(

My day?

The worst SPM day ever

I'm telling the truth

Never had I felt like that before

My days sucked

Trully

I woke up late

And ended up I couldn't study for a little while before going to school

Fine

It was okay

All my fault anyway

Who asked me to watch tv and not study the previous night?

Hmm

=/

Then

When I went to school

I was told that you were angry at me

I'm sorry

I really didn't know

It was true

Khye Vern told me you were mad at me cause I kinda mungkir janji

Hmm

I really didn't know you would be so mad

I'm really really sorry

I've cancelled the trip to Pangkor with Kai jun they all

Really

I know I've promised you that I would go to genting with you after spm

And that day I told you I was going to Pangkor

I'm really really sorry

I'm not going to Pangkor already now

Hmm

But that's not the point right?

I've made my promise but I didn't keep it

You can be mad at me

I won't blame you

=(

And I knew you would wanna go to genting

And you were eager to join Seak's trip

I thought you already agreed to go with them

But then, only later I found out that you had to balik kampung

So I thought, maybe we could still go to genting after you've come back from kampung or maybe we could go before you balik kampung

But that doesn't matter anymore to you right?

I'm sorry

=(

Look, I really wanna go to genting with you

I'm just sorry

You didn;t talk to me today

And I dared not talk to you

Cause you really seemed mad at me?

I dunno

I wanted to talk to you

But I kinda dared not

And up to you to believe or not

I was really affected during exam

I couldn't concentrate man

Not that I'm blaming you for anything

I mean, it's my fault anyway for not telling you earlier bout me going to Pangkor

I'm sorry

I made a promise

But I didn't stick to it

And now I'm sorry for it

Plese don't be mad at me

Omg, it's really killing me man

Hmm

=/

Sorry

=(

I didn't join you guys for break today

I thought, it'll be awkward anyway

So be it

I stayed upstairs

Me alone

And when khye vern told me you guys were talking bout trips down there

I was like, luckily I didn't go down

Or else, who knows how sorry I would be

Damn

=/

And it didn't get any better

When I was doing biology paper 3

My day proved to be the worst

I freaked out

Really

I was panicking

It was the first time I ever felt like that

I didn't know it would be that worse

I was rushing like mad

Cause I thought I wouldn't finish in time

And I kept looking at the clock

And it just kept ticking

And for the first time

I was sweating like mad

And I didn't realise that until I wiped my forehead

I WAS PANICKING

=(

And all of a sudden

My body felt os light

I am being serious now

=(

I was sweating

You know, what people call 'cold sweat'

I dunno what you call that in english

And I kinda like, lost my sense of hearing?

I'm serious

If you think I'm joking, fine

No offence anyway

No need you to believe me if you don't want to

I mean, I don't seem like that kinda person to you right?

Whatever

=(

It kinda like, when you're in an aeroplane and it's taking off and then the change in pressure and makes you feel like you've lost your sense of hearing?

Yeah

I just felt that way

And it was like, I lost all energy in me

I didn't know what to do

I almost blacked out man

=(

And the lady teacher kinda realised that I was not okay, I guess

Cause I saw her looking at me

And after the exam ended, when everyone was leaving, she asked me, "You're not feeling well?"

I dunno if she saw me nodding weakly or not

Cause I totally had no more energy left

I was afraid I would fall any minute

And I was praying and hoping that it won't happen

Please

I was really desperate at that time

=(

And I pushed myself to the limit

Forced myself to finish the paper

When I was almost felt like fainting already

I breathed in and out

Tryna calm myself but it backfired

I dunno

It seemed to get worse

=(

I was afraid

I really felt like leaving the hall at that time

I was afraid that I could not finish

And yet my mind went blank

Totally

I didn't know what was I supposed to write already

But there were only 15 minutes left

15 minutes!

Whatever I wrote

I couldn't remember now

I didn't know what the hell I wrote

But I just did

It was all crap

I guess I'm really gonna flunk bio this time

Why must it happen for SPM?

=(

I really feel like crying now

Just after the exam

I borrowed denesh's phone

Luckily he brought

And phoned my mum

I could not go home myself then

I was afraid that I would really faint

Called my mum

Asked her if she could fetch me from school

Thank God she said she would send the papers af6ter fethcing me

Thank you a lot

And when I went into the car

I really broke down

I started crying

My mum just hugged me and tryna calmed me down

She asked me to tell her slowly what happened

Cause the first thing I said when I went inside was, "I had a panic attack."

And my tears just came rolling down

I just cried and cried

And I felt like I was gonna throw up you know

I was feeling very nauseous

It was one bad day

Truly

Someone was mad at me and I didn't know it

And then I got a panic attack

And now, I'm having my flu again

Can this day be any worse?

Hmm

=(

Honestly

I'm kinda freaking out now for the next paper

I'm scared

God please help me, please

=(

xoxo just for you

claira.xoxo

already gone

26th November 2009

Thursday

You know, that 2012 movie really meant a lot actually

Humanity

Sacrificial

Love

I dunno

I just felt that way

Especially till the end

When disasters were striking from everywhere

Tsunami in Tibet

California is going down

The Eiffel Tower's top was damaged

And Mount Everest was half submerged in water

Imagine that man

And that was when everyone started to say goodbye

It's never easy to say those words

Only one word

But how can it be so freaking diffcult?

It's easy to say

But it's not easy when you really mean it

And you really meant it

Didn't you?

Hmm

=/

They were calling up their close ones

Their loved ones

And there was this guy, who didn't even got the last chance to say "I love you" to his son

He called

And when he was just about to speak, disaster struck

It was such a pity

You know, Boys Like Girls lead singer Martin

He said this on Hitz.fm

Be close to your love ones

I dunno why I'm posting this

I just feel like doing so

Or maybe I know why I wanna do so

But I'm just too afraid to confront this

It's scary you know

Kelly Clarkson's Already Gone

We were always meant to say goodbye

=/

xoxo just for you


claira.xoxo

lost

26th November 2009

Thursday

I am so lost without you babe

=/

xoxo just for you

claira.xoxo

unbearable

26th November 2009

Thursday

I'm not being emo

Or I'm trying not to

Sometimes it's just

I'm overwhelmed by my own emotions?

Hmm

I just can't help but thinking of you

xoxo just for you

claira.xoxo

yours,mine, nothing

24th November 2009

Tuesday

I was watching Gossip Girl

And I really hate to admit it

Everytime I watch this kinda movies

It just, kinda reminds me of you

Because it said

Sometimes, fate bring two lovers together just to break them apart

I was like, why does it sound so true?

Hmm

=/

xoxo just for you

claira.xoxo

break thru!

26th November 2009

Thursday

Seriously

Here I am

Trying so damn hard to study

And then

Somewhere above

Someone's renovating their house

Urgh!!!

I'm trying to understand the situation here

I mean

True

I have to tolerate and stuff and tryna place myself in that person's shoes

But, man, it's so noisy

I don't really like those noise man

Really makes me go nuts

Omg

Control control control

Smileeee!!!

*forcing myself to do so*

Lol

=)

xoxo just for you

claira.xoxo

close yet apart

25th November 2009

Wednesday

Shit shit shit!!

Add maths was totally difficult!

I really mean it man!

I mean, paper 1 was kinda okay?

But paper 2 was like, STUCK!

Serious

I was almost panicking?

Really

Never had I tackled such difficult questions so far

Lol

Omg

I'm gonna be so dead

Hee

Man, I almost lost my mood for movie you know

Seriously

But, already planned and everything and I also wanted to watch also what

So, just went with it

And no regrets now

Hee

=)

2012 was damn freaking cool!

I mean, the effects were totally awesome you know!

Damn, they are such good movie makers!

The main point of this movie was partly because of the effects and to see if there are any survivors

If there are, then there would be too if it really happens

Not entirely right

But, still there's hope right

Hmm

But if it really happens on the 21st December 2012

Nothing can stop it

It's all God's

Well, I believe so

=)

Just be prepared for it?

Hee

So we went there by bus

And it took us quite some time

Man, I knew you would be there

Taking bus home

It was so awkward you know

I was like, just right behind you?

And we were like, complete strangers?

What have happened to us man?

Things just fall apart don't they?

It's always like that

Just when you think that something's blissful is happening to you, then all of a sudden

Everything is going wrong

Totally wrong man!

And you went off first

I tried not to look at you?

But it was damn hard

And just caught a glimpse of you

Man, and you didn't even look out

That was totally heartbreaking?

Urgh

Awful!

=/

Trying to push it to the back of my mind

Hmm

So we took a bus

Reached there like, 5 something

Man, I was so worried we can't get the tickets you know

I booked the tickets yesterday

But they said we had to collect them 45 minutes before the movie starts

And it was already almost 45 minutes before it starts?

Omg

Like I said, some things would surely go wrong somewhere

Man!

xD

Then reached there

Bruce took us dunno which way

The other way round to pavilion

When we went to buy the tickets

The attendant said it had expired

I was like, shit

You gotta be kidding me right?

Then asked us how many tickets I reserved and sorts

Then luckily told us got seats for us

Thank God

=)

You know what

Wai seng was sitting beside anthony

And his drink was on the left side

Which usually would be on the right, right?

Then at one time, wai seng took the drink on the right side

I saw it

And I was like, shouldn't you be drinking this? *pointing to the left cup*

Then he looked on my left side

Which my cup was there

And on his left, another

Which was supposed to be his

So, basically, he was drinking anthony's drink

Lol!!!

Hee

Man, I couldn't stop laughing man

Omg

Haha

Then he was like, shh, don't tell la

Wahahahahahaha

The movie was great!

Cause I really like this kinda movie?

Maybe?

Hee

I really love the effetcs man

Serious!

It was so cool

Just so cool you know

I love it

Really

2012 rockz!!!

=)

Then later

After the movie

We went to KFC

I wanted to eat that cheezy bbq something la

But no more

So I just like, automatically wanted to order zinger burger

That was what you ordered for me

I still remember man

Hmm

=/

And that place

That corner

Where we sat

Why does it have to end like

Hmm

=/

So we makan and talked bout

Then took some pictures

Bruce went with his mum

And then when we were taking pictures

There were these 2 guys

Not guys la

I mean, a girl and a guy

College

Doing their assignments I guess

Told us that they just wanted us to hold a cardboard with some words on it

Can't remember what already

Something like, it's not just an assignment

Lol

xD

So they were like, just asked wai seng to hold the cardboard and then act cool and they just wanna take a picture

So we were like, uhh, okay?

Lol

Hee

Okay

Now what

Wai seng, denesh and anthony left

I was planning to take lrt home too

But then

I dunno

Ended up waiting for my mum

And, you know, she would be kinda late

As expected

As usual

xD

So I just walked around pavilion

And man, I came back to that spot

Cause I just wanted to sit down you know

And there I was

Again

But this time, I'm alone

You weren't there for me

You never will huh?

Hmm

=/

It was the same exact spot

The same place we

It just all came back to me you know

It's not easy man

It's not

Why can't you understand?

Or maybe you choose not to undertand

Hmm

=/

It just kinda occured to me

How I felt like we had something

What people call, chemistry or what?

Omg

I'm talking crap now

Shit

=/

That man who I thought was wearing the same shirt as you and then I lookd at you and you just told me what I was thinking when I didn't even tell you at all

And the family we were overlooking at when we were sitting right at the spot

If that's not chemistry, what is?

Hmm

I'm not joking now?

Lol

Hmm

Left there

Went out

And you know what

There was this guard

I was walking out the door

And he saw me

And then he was like, hah, dah lewat pun belum balik nie? ponteng ya

I was like, no way man, I finished my add maths paper before coming here!

Lol

Hee

Man, seriously, gotta stop talking bout add maths man

Hee

So I was like, walking up and down the lane?

And shit, people were like, watching me?

Omg

Like, eyeing me you know

As though I was up to no good

Seriously, I did not play truant okay?

Don't stare at me like I'm such a bad student

Well, I don't admit I'm a good student anyway

But just not bad either

Hee

xD

So in the end

I decided to walk to times square

Man, that was weird

That is what I call weird

People staring at you, thinking of how a bad person you are

How naughty you are

Man

Am I?

If so, I didn't know

Wahahahahaha

xD

Walked back to times square

Waited for like, almost half an hour and more

Hmm

Never mind

But feeling kinda groggy

A little

Dizzy you know

Thought I was gonna faint

Omg

Luckily no man

Hee

So that was it

My day after add maths

Lol

And we kinda planned to do so after spm

That will definitely be done

But they said they would watch late night movies

Haha

I wish I could join too

Really

That would be so cool

If only I'm allowed to do so

Hmm

Just wished I would be watching 2012 with you, you know

Hmm

You didn't know that

And you don't know

=/

The end is near

The end of spm is near

The times spent with friends are also shortening

Hmm

If you get what I mean

Hee

Still

I appreciate you guys man

Really

=)

xoxo just for you

claira.xoxo

sick.sick.sick.

22nd November 2009

Sunday

I am sick

Hmm

I know why I'm sick

It's always the same reason

Not enough sleep

Man, I'm sorree la

I was chatting with bryan, ws, amir, boon

Lol

Till 2am in the morning

Hee

I don't always do that also what

It's been a long time anyway since I stayed up till so late

Shit

Tomorrow summore maths paper

Omg

And worse!

Am I being stupid or what?

I'm still eating ice-cream now

Yes!

Now!

While blogging

And I'm having flu!

What the hell

I am so sick

Sick at mind

Sick at soul

Sick at heart

All cause of you

Hmm

=/

xoxo just for you

claira.xoxo

kenangan terindah ku

21st November 2009

Saturday

And there I was

Lying down on my bed

Halfway through my revision

Ended up browsing through the songs in my phone

And what do you know

This song

I mean, when I first listened to it

It really caught my heart

I mean, I really liked it from the start

And that

Was the song I dedicated to you on that day

Seriously

You're the first ever malay guy I've been intereted in

Really lol huh?

xD

Yeah

Maybe I was kinda attracted to your looks at first

I mean, come on, you look, totally, you know, charming?

Lol

xD

I mean, he's really handsome man

Hee

But then I became so obsessed with you

Omg

Not that I wanted to

It was like, an open secret?

Man, I guess Fudzail was the first to notice that huh

Shit

Haha

It all started from dikir barat huh

Hee

And I ended up liking dikir barat too?

Lol

xD

That was a crush

A very unexpected one

I mean, people would be like, why would I be interested in someone different race?

Seriously

No offence at all

Besides

1 malaysia right?

Hee

I am totally supporting that now!

Lol

xD

You'll still be a part in my fond memories

Hee

Always

We're cool now huh

Friends

MU and Liverpool

Lol

We'll see bout next season man

Haha

Kenangan terindah ku~

P.S. I still don't support MU okay?

Haha

xoxo just for you

claira.xoxo

gotcha

20th November 2009
Friday

After EST
Went home

Walked to jusco
And seriously
I really stick to my promise
Haha
Really bought one can of Milo for Bariq
Lol
I owed him from puasa lagi!
Hee
xD

Then walked to LRT station
And guess who I saw?
Fudzail and Aidil
xD

Aidil was like, "EST eh?"
"Yeah, EST."
"Macam mane?"
"Susah la."
"Yalah tu."

Hee

What a day!
xD


xoxo just for you


claira.xoxo

farewell

20th November 2009
Friday

Okay
It will be the end of our high school years
And guess what?
Today
Zainuddin
Well, you know
He went on stage
Took the mic
And said, "Saya nak mintak maaf..."
You know, that kinda speech
I was like, yeah, teachers always do that on the last day of school you know
So we were kinda like, okay, we know what you're about to tell us
But
Not really fu hien him la
I don't hate him
I mean, why should I?
He didn't cut my hair or what
xD
Well, maybe he has rotan me before
On my hand, that is
Lol
xD

You know, for not attending extra classes!
Haha
Sorree cikgu
xD
Saya pun nak mintak maaf
Hee

And what he said next
Was kinda surprising
I mean, really!
He said, "Awak takkan jumpa saya lagi tahun depan."
I was like, what???
What did he mean?
And so he said, "Saya akan pergi ke sekolah Maxwell."
Man, maxwell!!!

To be honest
At that one point
I was kinda, feeling sad?
I mean
I dunno
It just, felt like something will be gone

Shit
Why am I always feeling like that lately?
Already gone
Kelly clarkson
Man, seriously, this feeling totally sucks!
I really don't like it
='(

But he could still crack jokes with us
And of course
Everyone laughed
I mean
He was a good teacher
I mean, a good discipline teacher
And he still is
I believe he still will be a good one

And you know what he said
He said, "Hari tu saya dah pergi sana, dan saya rasa, disiplin sekolah cochrane lebih baik daripada sekolah tu."
I was expecting the other way round you know???
Serious!!!
I really was

All this while
I thought that maxwell is a good school you know
Cause it sounds so, you know, standard?
I thought it's a controlled school and disciplne terkawal kinda thing

Omg
If any maxwellers are reading this
I'm so sorree
Really
I mean no offence kay?
I'm sorree

Man
And he even said, "Sana ade 3 kategori, gangster, yang gaduh ade, yang kaki ponteng pun ade."
"Di cochrane memang ade la nakal nakal skit. Tapi masih boleh kawal. Kat sane, hari tu saya pergi, saya pun dah pening kepala."
Hee

I think I'll miss him?
Omg
I dunno
Maybe I'm missing everybody
I really am now
Shit
This is totally not a very good thing I guess
=/

I lost him
And now I'm gonna lose more
='(

I know
Logically, it won't seem that bad
But it feels that bad actually
Or even worse
Oh my
Seriously
I hate such feelings
It's like, everything must end and people will eventually have to leave you, you know that?
Why do they have to leave?

And I have to leave too
Leave high school
Leave teen years

Yeah
I'll miss zainuddin
I mean, everytime he comes to our class and calls out names that didn't attend extra classes
I would surely be one of them
Cause I really didn't attend even one class of it!
And man, I was involved in a few subjects you know
Shit
Haha
xD

Hmm
He said actually, he had to start work a few days ago
Like, 16th?
But he said he'll just begin next year

Sincerely
I wish him all the best
Come and visit cochrane more often next time
Lol
Not that I will be there
Haha
xD

Still
You can come back when we get our spm results
You know, if you miss being discipline teacher at cochrane and miss catching students with long hair
Haha
Like, bryan?
Lol
xD

All the best and good luck!
=)



xoxo just for you


claira.xoxo

less than okay

20th November 2009
Friday

First week
3 days
SPM started

BM
English
EST
And most importantly
History is over!!!
One down, more to go!
But at least History is so over!!!
Omg
Seriously saying
After History paper, everyone was like, so much relieved you know
And man, today when we went to school for EST, some of them even left their history books in school!
Haha
Good one!
xD

Hmm
Spm was, hmm, okay I guess

Had fun also
The invigilators were okay
The papers were okay I guess
Everyone was okay
I guess it's okay okay then

Next week
2nd week
3 days

Man, do they have to make it 3 days
Hee
xD

Maths
Moral
Add maths

Kinda relax now
I mean, these subjects don't really require memorising skills right?
xD
Apart from moral
That also I would memorise the nilai and stuff the night before
Lol
xD



So I took EST today
Man, they asked about Friction?
Omg
What was I to write man?
I mean, I couldn't think of any other points
Lol
Just hoped my essay won't suck that much
Hee
xD

Babe

Somehow
When everything seemed to be okay
I still don't feel so okay
Hmm

Man
It was, totally, urgh
In the midst of answering the paper
It just came to my mind
How could it have happened man
I didn't foresee that
I didn't expect that
And I definitely did not plan it okay?

You just appeared in my mind
I couldn't help it okay?
And seriously
It's not so easy as you think it is to just wipe that away
I don't think you have a clue that I'm still so troubled
Till now man

I just need you to know
I just want you to know
And I just wish you would know
Hmm


xoxo just for you

claira.xoxo

it has come to this =)

15th November 2009
Sunday



Okay
2 more days to go
And
Yes!
I mean
It has finally come to this!
SPM Examination 2009!!!
Gosh!
Unbelievable!!!

My last time to online
Last blog post
Before the spm starts
Hee
=)

So here
Just a last wish to all my buddies!!!
Yeah!!!

Pui sing
Khve vern
Joey
Yern yerng
Luen
Nigel
Sen lin
Renn
Xin zhong
Ivan
Edward
Kang Khuen
Kevin
Boon wai
Melvyn
Mohan
Mohannen
Denesh
Benjamin
Theben
Athirah
Nur Athirah
Izzah
Akmar
Syafira
Falihin
Ashwanee
Hilda
Kai jun
Jiang kai
Chee hoe
Chee leong
Wai seng
Milo
Kah keat
Wei leong
Mei jin
Yoong ern
Sze kei
Vuan zhin
Bryan
Hon sang
Jun ken
Seak
Pang
Jun jie
Chin haw
Chin wei
Jo ann
Steph
Yee kit
Seoh wei
Kee lin
Xuan zi
Joely
Huei ling
Jun xin
Yi ting

Fathul
Fitri
Fudzail
Fadhli
Haziq
Arif
Oja
Asyraf
Junaidi
Amir
Syamil
Mat
Mey
Mark
Bruce
Bariq
Azarul
Nazmi
Panod
Ezat
Rasydan

Jia huei
Yi tyng
Ee leng
Li ping
Su munn
Sue teng
Amirah
Ah liew
Ah loke
Ah moong
Eddy
Ivan
Ah ben
Arng
Yao kuan
Aster
Yi lyn
Wei wen
Kum hoh
En hao
Ga hao
Ting sen
Chee sam
Suren
Marc

Please
If ever I left out any
You're not forgotten
Just, maybe temporary forgotten only
I still wish you all the BEST of the BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good luck!!!

Oh
And also my lovely cousin bro
Datuk Quan Tzhoe!
Hee
Good luck yeah bro!

God bless!!!
=)

replaced

14th November 2009
Saturday

So I saw it all

You changed everything

Took away everything

I'm replaced

='(

I hate to hear myself say it

Cause it hurts

I didn't think it would be affect me so much

I dunno how to deal with it now

Are you over it?

You're over me

And yet, I'm still holding on

I'm not over you

='(

xoxo just for you

claira.xoxo