Hello blog.
I'm having one of those feelings of sudden urges to blog. You know that sort of condition when you feel like you're suddenly thrown into a turmoil and forced to think about all that is happening to you, and about your life. Ahh, I'm having one of those dreadful moments now. What's more, the sentimental feeling is with me tonight and perhaps with my added drained-body, I am feeling it all the more.
Yesterday got me so depressed. Depressed for some petty and unreasonable and possibly the most absurd reason other people might think it was. But still, to me it wasn't. Don't you just find it frustrating enough when you are absolutely being serious about something and yet those around you do not feel the same way? Well, it is okay of course that others do not feel alike as we do but really, it can get to your nerve when others think you're joking when being serious and vice versa. Oh my, how can I only get it across to people that I am perfectly serious with this 'life's dream' of mine?
Anyhow, I am fine with nobody believing that I am serious with it. No problem at all, really. :)
So much for this lament. Uh no, it isn't lament, really.
I think I'm a person that gets easily affected with some particular issues. I mean, I don't get all upset over ever minor detail but more like, when the issue at hand really means a lot to me or if I can really see myself being what I envision, then not being able to do so kind of turns my world upside down for that while.
Ahh, am I really such a person?
Please, enlighten me.
It is kind of freaky when I am thrown into this kind of situation. It gets me all sober or regretful, super down for reasons that should be reasons in the first place and upset and so not being myself. I totally wasn't feeling myself last night. I knew the cause to it but it was the solution part that made me so uneasy the entire night.
So I kept tweeting to this friend of mine about me being extremely depressed and then continue to remind myself that I should be so even when I was preparing myself for bed. Gee, how does that make me appear really depressed?
So sorry for all my weird behaviours.
I know my thinking can be real wild at times. Or all the times, to some people. Have you ever pictured your life from another person's perspective? Have you ever thought long enough about how you can make your life so different from what you have always expected it to be? Have you ever wondered what if you are to take a completely unrelated direction with your life now? What if I do this? What if I join the audition? What if I drop out of university and fly to another country to chase after this dream? But then, what if it doesn't work out? What if I do not succeed?
They have certain sayings about thinking and overthinking and whatnots. I guess I never remembered any of those.
Still, let me put it in my own way: Thinking leads to overthinking and that is what kills you (or me).
The logic is, when you think, you don't just stop there right? All the doubts and what-ifs come crashing into your mind and that makes it the 'overthinking' stage. So once there, you continue to think and these additional thoughts scare you even more so. Ahh, that's when the real damage takes a toll on your confidence level and all the 'What have I been doing in my life?'.
What am I saying?
Oh my, I am not making the slightest sense.
Hmm.
Still, when all logic and sense fail, it is faith that I rely upon. Because none other reasonable means can make me feel better or give me hope. It is only faith that I now strongly hold on. Faith builds and that needs time. I do not know what these thoughts will lead me to but I believe my prayers are heard and will be answered. I just have to hold on tight to this faith and never for once let go. Cause if I do, all is gone.
I'm just talking to myself again, which I always do, to try to make myself fell better after all the depressing things I have said and thought.
Ahh, my life!
This 'life's dream' -as what I name it- will remain a secret that no one will know of. Ah well, to that friend whom I 'depressed about my depression', what you knew was only part of the icing. Yes, part of the icing, not even whole :P
Still, thank you for finally showing the qualities of a good friend, after all the years of knowing me! :P
I believe, and have faith, that one day, not too long away, this 'life's dream' of mine will come true. I have not figured out how, but when I have finally achieved it, you'll know about it.
Dear Lord, you know my prayers and you know my heart. I ask, and pray that You will open doors for me. Prepare myself for what is ahead and let me not regret on what I have decided on. I thank You for this strength and Lord, I pray that You will bless me with stronger faith in You. Amen.
“Everybody, fight for your mountains, and trees.
They are Beautiful.”
They are Beautiful.”
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