Have you ever thought how it would feel like to be a parent? I mean, how does it feel if YOU are now a parent to your children? I never really gave a serious thought about it. It's not that I didn't bother or that it happening is still very far away, but more like it's a frightening thing to think of. Personally, I fear being a parent, I fear to even think of it. But then I pondered a little more about it, and I came to the conclusion that perhaps it's not the responsibility or the life changes that would eventually take place scares me out. It's actually the fear of becoming the same as my parents.
Don't get me wrong, at least not yet. I'm not saying my parents are terrible, no, they're not. But I wouldn't say that they are perfect human beings either. Nobody is ever perfect, and nobody is ever right. There are some things about them that will undoubtedly get on your nerves and make you feel as if your feelings and all that screaming you make during arguments are sure to fall on deaf ears.
I may not be the eldest child in my family but practically, all that I've been doing for the past 21 years of my life definitely reflect the true meaning of what it takes to be the eldest child. I fully understand that it may not be so simple to see your child to be the first to leave the warm and cozy nest, brimming with eager enthusiasm and the curiosity to explore all that is out in the world and take on everything that is in his or her way all alone. And I totally get it that it hurts even more to see them getting bruises and cuts and wounds all over them from every obstacle that hits them right in the face. No, it's not simple.
But there's one thing that I guess at some point in their parenthood, they have forgotten that their children can no longer stay in their protection always. They have to leave, and venture into the unknown. They have to be hit right into the darkest pits and find the light at the end of the tunnel just by holding on to their faith and hope. They have to learn that not everyday is a bed of roses because you have to bear the pains of thorns in order to enjoy the blooming red rose. They have to learn what's bad before they know and appreciate what's good. They have to step into adulthood. I have to step into adulthood.
I never said it's easy, but that doesn't mean it's bound to be an avoided or unspoken topic. It has to happen and it is going to happen soon. Very soon. Perhaps this transition of mine is seen as a form of rebellion to you. Perhaps this thing called growing up is an out-of-the-universe feeling to you. Or perhaps all you see in me right now is an over-limit badness. But if not now, then when? If not me, then who else? That's what being the eldest child means. You have to be the first to break their hearts. You know it's harsh on them but you're doing it first and doing it now so they can get used to it and feel less painful when it's time for their second, third, fourth child to do so. It's a dirty job, but dirty jobs are just part and parcel of life.
You see, that's the reason I fear that being a parent myself would eventually mean becoming like them. And as a child, I have and am experiencing what I wouldn't wish my children to experience just because parents have a hard time letting go. Yes, that's the word. To start letting go and be confident in us. Have faith, trust that we won't let you down. Not everything we do is out of feeling. In fact, we do use our brains and rationale wisely in most of the things we do. All that we- I, ask in return is to trust us, believe in us, be confident in us and be proud of us.
Because what I have experienced, I don't ever want that for my future children.
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