i'm in ruins

30th December 2009

Wednesday

I told them about my job

And they told him

As always

I had already expected that

But what I didn't expect was your kind of perception towards my new found job

What is wrong with being a sales promoter?

I don't see anything wrong with that

Talking about being equivalent to status

I am not that status conscious okay?

Yeah, true, you got a job for me at your office

I said I didn't want to

I am not interested in IT stuff

Fine, then I can work at my mum's office

I agreed

But I also wanted to hunt for a job myself and I wanna be independent

I am 17 now okay?

Yeah, 17 means nothing to you

NOTHING

Grown ups are always like that aren't they?

They think you're still young

Well, I am young

That is a fact

But you can't always protect me right?

Life is not a bed of roses

And I am aware of that perfectly well, in case you dunno

I have seen that happened to us in the past 10 years

I am fully aware of that

Yeah, I admit that I have no exposure to the real world

So what?

I can and will learn

That is life isn't it?

I have to know my status?

What the hell is my status then?

You said I am a straight A student and that makes me have to work at an office, not as sales promoter selling clothes

Come on, what is wrong with that?

And this is just a temporary job

It's not like I'll be doing this for the rest of my life

You just don't believe that I can work my way out

I know I kinda failed being a waitress last time

But I am determined to work it out this time

I know I can

God will help me

I will prove it to myself

I have no need to prove it to you since you don't even have faith in your own daughter

Fine

Whatever man

And from my part time job, you went on to college

Twice already you talked to me about it

Yeah, you were the one talking

I am so not gonna use the word discuss

Cause obviously there were no discussions and you were the one talking and planning things for me when all I could do was just listen

You call that discussing?

I'd better get you a dictionery if you need

I'm not being rude here okay?

You said I don't respect you

Yeah, maybe I don't

But what is it that made me not respect you?

You said you couldn't understand my thinking

Fine then

If you still can't understand, then better don't understand

Or maybe, you just didn't wanna understand

Everything's your way

You asked me to be open-minded and not to close all doors

And you asked me why am I so stubborn

Okay, I admit I am stubborn

Then why not turn it around and see it from another angle

Why not say that you're the one who is stubborn and you're just not being open-minded?

I know your intentions are good

And I wasn't trying to be ungrateful or what

I didn't wanna disappoint you

But you have to get a grip and understand that this is my life and I will be doing what I will be studying for the rest of my life

Why can't you believe that I can make it?

You rather choose to believe that what you choose and plan for me are way better than my own choice just because I am lack of exposure

Well, since you said that, then what about you opposing my job and not see it as a way of exposing myself to the real world?

It is not my thinking

It is your perception that makes things so worse, do you know that?

And asking about what my mum thinks on my choice of course

I said she will support me

And I feel so annoyed and disgusted, to be perfectly honest, that you have no respect for her as well

The way you reacted towards my answer was like, looking down and humiliating me and her you know

It just got me thinking, why God made this so hard for me

Well, I know

Behind everything that happens there will be something good

I know this will be just another obstacle

It's just the beginning

I know

But you just don't repect my choice

And you have no faith in me

And definitely you won't support me either

I really don't understand man

For years you didn't even care to know about my school life and stuff like that

And now all of a sudden you are taking control and you wanna plan everything for me

And the thing is

You didn't even ask whether I like it or I want it or not

But you just assumed, or maybe you didn't even care to bother, about my choice

You said you are disappointed with my thinking

But you never knew that I am disappointed too

More than you could ever think of

I cried almost the whole night

And after the first time you talked to me, it subdued

And yet you still want the second time

And for your info, it was already past midnight

And I really don't understand your timing man

It's always the wrong timing to talk to me

Just before my sejarah SPM paper

And also my add maths paper

And in the morning when I have not even finished my breakfast

And now late at night

What was all that about man?

And please, don't compare me with Hsing Hyii

He wanna be a scientist

He has big dreams

He said he wanna excel in the 3 main science subjects and also Add Maths

I am very proud of that

But don't compare me with him

I hate comparisons okay?

You think everyone's the same?

It's not!

I did my best in the 3 science subjects even though I don't even understand Physics that much

But still, I 'forced' myself to study and do my best

I really dunno how the hell to explain to you

Or maybe I don't think you will try to understand my explanation either

5 credits to study Mass comm

Arts students also can study that

What for wanna study science stream

Come on, please be sensible

You were being unreasonable man

I took up science stream because I wanted to study science

I'm taking mass comm

It's not about drawing or whatever

Urgh

I'm sick and tired of it man

Everytime I have a great day or everytime I am perfectly happy

You always succeed to ruin it

And you did it too this time

Congratulations

I cried for I-dunno-how-long

My eyes were so swollen

So red

Headache

And for the first time ever, I really felt hurt to my heart core

Fine if you don't wanna believe

I don't need you to believe any of this 'crap' if that is what you wanna call it

You think journalism is nonsense?

Then don't even bother to talk about double degreee

You think I'm a genius

I am not a straight A student okay?

And hello?

There are hundreds and thousands of straight A students out there

What makes you think I am better than them?

For all you know, I am just an average student

And I am happy for that

I don't have to aim to be the best among the best

I know there will never be the best

There's always better

You just don't understand me

Then don't even bother about it man

I'm fine with that

I will be able to handle it

I can take loans if scholarship fails

I told my mum about it

Cause I still feel very insecure about our financial status right now

And I admit it

I am well prepared if you can't and won't support me financially if I choose mass comm

Fine then, by all means

There are always other options

God will show me the way

I have no worries for that

And no qualms for that

As long as my mum supports me, that's enough

If you won't support me, it's fine

I won't blame you for anything

And you said I will regret if I choose mass comm

But I'm telling you this

I will no doubt regret a lot more and maybe for my whole life if I don't choose mass comm

Financial or interest, you asked me

I said interest

You're fed up with me

Then by all means, don't even bother

You don't understand my thinking?

By all means, forget it and forget about me and everything

You want me to leave?

Just say so

I am not afraid

Fear to the Lord himself

I am not going against you

I tried to explain to you

But it seemed pointless

Up to you whatever you wanna say or do

I can no longer change your perception on me

And I don't see the need to do so anymore

There's more to express

More to write about

But I am so so tired of it now

My eyes are still swollen

And I still have to go out with Kinn later on

Thanks to you man

Not you, Kinn

Now I look damn bloody awful

My body is hot

But not fever

I am uneasy

I no longer wanna see you or face you

I am not going to the living room for breakfast

I am going out

You know why?

I wanna avoid you

I have nobody to tell now

My blog is all I've got now

Hmm

Please, come march, be prepared to be disappointed

I am sorry

I am perfectly sorry to let you down

But you just have to believe I can do it and I will do it

By God's grace

I know I can

If you don't believe me and have no faith in me whatsoever

Then forget it

Okay?

I hope I will be fine later

Damn it, Kinn, I look terrible!!!

OMG

=)

Be prepared

God help me please

Show me the right way

I have faith

I believe

I really do

xoxo just for you

claira.xoxo