and it's only the beginning

26th March 2010

Friday

I went to Taylor's just now and enquired about whether I could extend my scholarship offer. And yes, it's valid until before the commencement date of the course that I'll be taking. So, yeah, it'll be July intake.

But it's not that I'm 100% going to Taylor's now. Yeah, people say Taylor's is good, I should go to Taylor's, but has anyone actually understand what I want? Oh crap. I know parents want the best for their children. But, urgh, I dunno. It's so frustrating man.

My dad's all in on Taylor's and my mum as well. Because Joyce says this, Joyce says that. (Joyce's her colleague) And hell yeah I do understand and fully realise that Taylor's is one helluva a good uni college. But I am interested in the ADP. I am interested in doing double major. I am interested in communications + psychology. I am interested with SEGi. I am interested with location. I am interested with almost everything at SEGi. But mostly, it's still the course. And honestly, I like the idea of staying in SEGi's hostel.

Yeah, what the hell, SEGi is not as estalished as Taylor's and on and on and on.

You guys are like, forcing me to go Taylor's but then telling me that it's up to me and you're not threatening me or what. But you sound like you ARE threatening me okay?

You guys just tell me this and that and expect me to obey every freaking thing you say. It's not that I don't wanna obey. Hey, come on man! I'm at the brink of carving my future here!

Do you know what panic is like?

Do you know what fear is like?

Do you know what worrisome is like?

Do you know what anxiety is like?

Do you know what insecurity is like?

FML man!

You think that I'm just being stubborn and oblivious to whatever you are telling me. You think that I'm childish and immature and unreasonable and insensible. How am I supposed to feel man? I have to decide for my future here! I am scared okay? There, I said it!

I like SEGi's course, but then you tell me what if the lecturers are not American lecturers.

Then thinking of Taylor's, I might regret not going to SEGi. And if I go to SEGi, then it's about the lecturers.

I know I don't make any freaking sense here cause I am freaking confused right now.

Hey, I am worried and scared for my own future as well okay? Don't think that I'm fooling around.

You dunno me well then.

It's easier said than done. I could not have agreed more. You all are the ones who tell me these stuff but I'm the one who's gonna study for it. And you said what's so difficult about studying as I've been studying for more than 10 years. Sucks man!

I am pressured. I feel like you all are pushing me to do something that I am still completely unsure about. And then when I say that I prefer otherwise, you think that I'm not making sense. So why tell me you're giving me choice then? It's so difficult okay? You have no fcking idea about this whole making-decision thing!

Don't be nice to me for one second and then the next second you're telling me it's up to you and of you regret later on, don't blame me this kinda stuff.

I've had enough of shit lately.

***

And at the end of the day, you said that I'm going for July's intake. Fine man. Whatever.

***

I need to get a job FAST. As in, another job. An office job or clerk or something simple that's in office. LOL. Well, like I said, since I'll be going for the July intake, I'll get an office job. Whatever you wanna call it. I just started searching though. God show me the way. I've had enough for today. Don't give me anymore.

I'm down for the night.

xoxo