take the plunge, it's bound to hit

Have you ever thought how it would feel like to be a parent? I mean, how does it feel if YOU are now a parent to your children? I never really gave a serious thought about it. It's not that I didn't bother or that it happening is still very far away, but more like it's a frightening thing to think of. Personally, I fear being a parent, I fear to even think of it. But then I pondered a little more about it, and I came to the conclusion that perhaps it's not the responsibility or the life changes that would eventually take place scares me out. It's actually the fear of becoming the same as my parents.

Don't get me wrong, at least not yet. I'm not saying my parents are terrible, no, they're not. But I wouldn't say that they are perfect human beings either. Nobody is ever perfect, and nobody is ever right. There are some things about them that will undoubtedly get on your nerves and make you feel as if your feelings and all that screaming you make during arguments are sure to fall on deaf ears.

I may not be the eldest child in my family but practically, all that I've been doing for the past 21 years of my life definitely reflect the true meaning of what it takes to be the eldest child. I fully understand that it may not be so simple to see your child to be the first to leave the warm and cozy nest, brimming with eager enthusiasm and the curiosity to explore all that is out in the world and take on everything that is in his or her way all alone. And I totally get it that it hurts even more to see them getting bruises and cuts and wounds all over them from every obstacle that hits them right in the face. No, it's not simple.

But there's one thing that I guess at some point in their parenthood, they have forgotten that their children can no longer stay in their protection always. They have to leave, and venture into the unknown. They have to be hit right into the darkest pits and find the light at the end of the tunnel just by holding on to their faith and hope. They have to learn that not everyday is a bed of roses because you have to bear the pains of thorns in order to enjoy the blooming red rose. They have to learn what's bad before they know and appreciate what's good. They have to step into adulthood. I have to step into adulthood.

I never said it's easy, but that doesn't mean it's bound to be an avoided or unspoken topic. It has to happen and it is going to happen soon. Very soon. Perhaps this transition of mine is seen as a form of rebellion to you. Perhaps this thing called growing up is an out-of-the-universe feeling to you. Or perhaps all you see in me right now is an over-limit badness. But if not now, then when? If not me, then who else? That's what being the eldest child means. You have to be the first to break their hearts. You know it's harsh on them but you're doing it first and doing it now so they can get used to it and feel less painful when it's time for their second, third, fourth child to do so. It's a dirty job, but dirty jobs are just part and parcel of life. 

You see, that's the reason I fear that being a parent myself would eventually mean becoming like them. And as a child, I have and am experiencing what I wouldn't wish my children to experience just because parents have a hard time letting go. Yes, that's the word. To start letting go and be confident in us. Have faith, trust that we won't let you down. Not everything we do is out of feeling. In fact, we do use our brains and rationale wisely in most of the things we do. All that we- I, ask in return is to trust us, believe in us, be confident in us and be proud of us.

Because what I have experienced, I don't ever want that for my future children. 

returning to basics

It's been a year since the last time I blogged. I mean, wow, just look at that! I didn't really intend to stop blogging then, but somehow, I just got drifted away. I remember how I used to say that my blog was the main, almost the sole refuge for me. A place of solace you know? It's just amazing, that feeling. Because even a listener has a limit. A listener is still a person. But of course, it wouldn't be fair for that person if I were to say it's the same for all. Mind you, when I said limit, I wasn't referring to his or her maximum level of tolerance to whatever shit we have to say. When I said limit, it's more of referring to ourselves. What we can tell, what we cannot tell, what we wanna tell but can't find the right words to do so because it's never that simple to spill out everything you've had inside in a structure that's understandable for that listener. And that's where we meet that limit. We just can't get them to fully understand what we're feeling. And that's why I said that at least right here in my own blog, I'm freer to go wild with putting all sorts of emotions into words, even if they may sound crazy, even if they may be just plain nonsensical words to others. Because it's not a reader that you need most, it's just a place that you can totally be yourself to, a place where you can just immerse into for a long time until you are ready again for the battles outside.

It's good to just write and not bother whether my sentence is too short or too long. I guess one of my biggest motivation to return to my blog is the close-to-2-month internship experience as a copywriter. Blogging was really a huge help in the past and ever since I've stopped blogging, it feels like it has gotten more difficult to pen down whatever that I need to or have to pen down. It's scary, that feeling. Just imagine that you have a fairly strong passion for something but as time goes by, you're realizing that doing so has become more and more challenging because you've not been doing it for awhile.

So to cut it short, I'm now back here. I've been debating whether or not to return to my blogging previously. Well, I guess now I've understood. When something still matters to you, no matter how little that amount may be, it's still worth pursuing it. Because hey, if it has absolutely no importance to you anymore, you wouldn't even let it linger in your mind right?

I'm sure I've made the right choice.

Let's kick start my blogging habit again. :)

smooth sailing, thank you

Annyeong. :)

Results were out yesterday.

Though a slight drop from my last semester's, it's all good. Thank God for listening to my prayers.

I'm happy. :)

#AliveTourTheFINAL

Hey there, I dreamed of you last night, Jiyongiie oppa. :)

#AliveTourTheFINAL

I won't give up. :)

just another open question

So recently, I've been following this Korean drama on TV. It's called Queen Inhyun's Man, also known as Queen and I.

The story is just only developing and though I have gone a few episodes ahead from what is shown on TV (with good, solid reason :P), it basically revolves around the lives of a becoming actress and a man of the past. Ahh, I do enjoy films with such storylines. Time travel and that sort.

But then while watching tonight's episode on TV, it just hit me with such an unanswerable question. Well, I guess this question already popped up last week when my mum and I were conversing about this drama. You see, when you watch this kind of movie, it makes you think. Well, unless you prefer not to have any exercise for your brain as you indulge in your sweet movie time. But still, I have come to accept the fact that none of my body parts can be still enough not to notice such things.

Right, so what has been bothering me (not) is that is it even possible to have two separate worlds coexisting together? I know, I know, it's all fiction and made-up by brilliant minds. No such thing can happen in the real world. The past is the past, there is nothing we can do to stop or change time. Ah, just think about teleporting (is that the word?), Hermione's time-reversal-thing (forgot what's it called) and THIS.

Then I start to wonder, if really two different worlds, with different times can exist simultaneously, how would the lives be? Could it be that one world is transparent from the other and even when they are walking side by side, the people from this world will not be able to see those from the other? This applies on when you put yourself in the shoes of a viewer: when you are watching this scene of the present world, is life still going on in that other world? Oh wow, look how this trail of thinking can go?

They say it is an impossible thing in the real world, but then when these things get to you, wouldn't you wonder what is real anymore? :)

Psychic.

Swag!

:D

Anyway, I think it's just amazing how scriptwriters and producers can come up with such awesome ideas. Ah, I need more sharpening to be creative like this! I guess that is one of the reasons why I enjoy watching movies. Well, it gives me yet another reason to be glued in front of the idiot box. :D

By the way, I love the main actress- Yoo In Na :)

She's so pretty and cute. Like, really. I adore her already. And have I mentioned that she's part of YG Family? Oh yes. :D

Hwaiting YG Family, and me! :D

YGF, for real

Hello blog. 

I'm having one of those feelings of sudden urges to blog. You know that sort of condition when you feel like you're suddenly thrown into a turmoil and forced to think about all that is happening to you, and about your life. Ahh, I'm having one of those dreadful moments now. What's more, the sentimental feeling is with me tonight and perhaps with my added drained-body, I am feeling it all the more.

Yesterday got me so depressed. Depressed for some petty and unreasonable and possibly the most absurd reason other people might think it was. But still, to me it wasn't. Don't you just find it frustrating enough when you are absolutely being serious about something and yet those around you do not feel the same way? Well, it is okay of course that others do not feel alike as we do but really, it can get to your nerve when others think you're joking when being serious and vice versa. Oh my, how can I only get it across to people that I am perfectly serious with this 'life's dream' of mine?

Anyhow, I am fine with nobody believing that I am serious with it. No problem at all, really. :)

So much for this lament. Uh no, it isn't lament, really.

I think I'm a person that gets easily affected with some particular issues. I mean, I don't get all upset over ever minor detail but more like, when the issue at hand really means a lot to me or if I can really see myself being what I envision, then not being able to do so kind of turns my world upside down for that while.

Ahh, am I really such a person?

 Please, enlighten me.

It is kind of freaky when I am thrown into this kind of situation. It gets me all sober or regretful, super down for reasons that should be reasons in the first place and upset and so not being myself. I totally wasn't feeling myself last night. I knew the cause to it but it was the solution part that made me so uneasy the entire night.

So I kept tweeting to this friend of mine about me being extremely depressed and then continue to remind myself that I should be so even when I was preparing myself for bed. Gee, how does that make me appear really depressed?

So sorry for all my weird behaviours.

I know my thinking can be real wild at times. Or all the times, to some people. Have you ever pictured your life from another person's perspective? Have you ever thought long enough about how you can make your life so different from what you have always expected it to be? Have you ever wondered what if you are to take a completely unrelated direction with your life now? What if I do this? What if I join the audition? What if I drop out of university and fly to another country to chase after this dream? But then, what if it doesn't work out? What if I do not succeed?

They have certain sayings about thinking and overthinking and whatnots. I guess I never remembered any of those.

Still, let me put it in my own way: Thinking leads to overthinking and that is what kills you (or me).

The logic is, when you think, you don't just stop there right? All the doubts and what-ifs come crashing into your mind and that makes it the 'overthinking' stage. So once there, you continue to think and these additional thoughts scare you even more so. Ahh, that's when the real damage takes a toll on your confidence level and all the 'What have I been doing in my life?'.

What am I saying?

Oh my, I am not making the slightest sense.

Hmm.

Still, when all logic and sense fail, it is faith that I rely upon. Because none other reasonable means can make me feel better or give me hope. It is only faith that I now strongly hold on. Faith builds and that needs time. I do not know what these thoughts will lead me to but I believe my prayers are heard and will be answered. I just have to hold on tight to this faith and never for once let go. Cause if I do, all is gone.

I'm just talking to myself again, which I always do, to try to make myself fell better after all the depressing things I have said and thought.

Ahh, my life!

This 'life's dream' -as what I name it- will remain a secret that no one will know of. Ah well, to that friend whom I 'depressed about my depression', what you knew was only part of the icing. Yes, part of the icing, not even whole :P

Still, thank you for finally showing the qualities of a good friend, after all the years of knowing me! :P

I believe, and have faith, that one day, not too long away, this 'life's dream' of mine will come true. I have not figured out how, but when I have finally achieved it, you'll know about it.

Dear Lord, you know my prayers and you know my heart. I ask, and pray that You will open doors for me. Prepare myself for what is ahead and let me not regret on what I have decided on. I thank You for this strength and Lord, I pray that You will bless me with stronger faith in You. Amen.

“Everybody, fight for your mountains, and trees. 
They are Beautiful.” 

—	Tablo, GDA 2013 interview

pulling off red

Ahh, I can be so very indecisive at times. 

No, I think I am always so indecisive. If you knew me well enough, you'd know how long a time I can take just to decide on what food I want to order after flipping through the menu for the hundredth time. 

But this time is even more so. One moment I'm thinking, 'Ah, I'm just gonna change my hairstyle for good after so long of sticking with the same hairstyle. Besides, it's a new year and I'm going to be 21 (not that I'm really thrilled about it. Man, that means I'm one year older already!). So, why not?' and, 'Oh, I'm also going to dye my hair red, because it's the very colour that I have always wanted. So yes, I'm gonna chop off my long hair and take on a redhead!'

Then the next day, I'd be like, 'I think I don't wanna cut it short. I'm so gonna regret having my long hair. And what if dying my hair damages it even more? What if I can't regrow my original hair colour? (for I love my original hair colour so much I can just kiss it all the time. HAHAHA) And most of all, what if the result is not how I want it to be and I would not look good in red?'

Ah, you see, all the doubts and what-ifs. We can be so skilled at pointing out such doubts when they happen to the people around us who are in dilemma or faced with a difficult decision. Yet when it comes back to us, how many of us really ponder over the things we have said to others that can't be applied to ourselves? Oh my, the hesitancy in me.

I suppose this is one of my biggest weaknesses. I truly believe it is.

Inborn? 

I don't know. None in my family seems to have it to such an extent except for me. HAHAHA

Hair is really an important feature for girls, at least it is so for me. Some can really cry their hearts out days after they've made a drastic change on their hair. Well, which is what I am planning to do. Not the crying part though, mind you. Hopefully I wouldn't even need to descend to such a state. 

Nonetheless, I've now made Dara my inspiration. If she can be so daring with her super unexpected hairstyles, then I believe I can be so too. :D

Still, adjustment needs time. And I need quite awhile for this alteration to happen as well. So till then, let me get used to the idea of post-hair-cut-and-dye. When I finally get it done...well, we'll see. :)

Park Bom style?

Hyun Seung style?

Or Jiyong style? :D

Ahh, doubts doubts!

Happy New Year people!

time to crayonize

So, it's the final day of the year and just 2 hours and a half away from 2013. Ironic though; despite me saying that the year is ending very soon, I still do not quite feel the 'something' of this whole ending and beginning. Really, the reason I used 'something' is because I could not find the right word to describe what that something is. To say it's the 'feel', it does not really imply it. To say it's the 'atmosphere', I do not seem to think so because the word itself makes me think of celebration and my 'something' is not at all about the whole celebration thing. To say it's a form of 'reflection', it is still the more unlikely because, I don't know, reflection of this past year (not even past yet) does not seem to be so significant compared to previous years.

And therefore, I still could not find the perfect word to describe my meaning.

This 'something' could just be a combination of all, well, except for the celebration part. It's more like an impact, a force, something that strikes you hard that you'd go, 'Oh wow, it's the end of another year and a new one is dawning upon me.' That kind of 'something', you know.

Right, I'm talking Greek. 

But I think it is necessary that a degree of reflection on the entire year be done, though of course, this whole thing seems a little too cliche-ish. But still, I suppose it is the time of the year where people would just take a moment out of their busy schedules and think about all the things that they have done, the things that they have achieved, the things that they resolved to do in the year before, be it done or not, or perhaps some little, or huge mistakes that we wish for ever more not to have committed. 

People have always been talking about new year's resolution at this time of the year. This year's not exceptional either. My mum asks me about it, and my pastor does so to. Well, before I graduated from high school, my new year's resolution was surely all academic-oriented (not that it's not so now). You know, they were like, 'Oh, I wanna get straight As for SPM' and things like that. They were just that clear. I don't think they ever needed much more thought than from the surface. Then college years came, and suddenly everything felt like being through a total makeover. It even came to a point where I did not even know what my resolution should be. Everything could be so vague and so misty for awhile.

Sometimes it terrifies you, don't it?

At least it is so for me.

I think I am a person that is okay with uncertainty but when there is too much that I do not know of, perhaps that is where the worrying begins. 

I guess?

Why don't I have a close friend that studies psychology? Like really, I could have those personality or psychological (not to test mentally-related illnesses) tests for free. :P

New year's resolution was something that seems to be a 'must' last time. But not anymore for now.

Or I just don't feel the same.

When people ask me what is my new year's resolution for next year, I honestly could not answer this question. So please, understand my situation and don't ask. :P

That aside, I believe this year has been quite a fruitful year to me as well. Let's see, I got through two degree semesters this year without failing any subjects, or close to failing any (thank God for that). And though I may be a little anxious about this semester's performance, all I can do is just to hope for the best and have faith that God will bring me though. :)

What else? Oh, and I'm really proud and glad to say that I am now a true Christian. It's not that I did not believe previously; I just wasn't sure what I believed in and where I stood. Honestly, people used to ask me questions like, 'Are you a Christian?', 'Why do you have a Christian name but do not sit for the Chinese paper exam?', 'Do you celebrate CNY?' 

You know, I believe that there is this misconception living among us. Firstly, let me explain this: Not all Chinese students sit for the Chinese paper in PMR and SPM. Those who sit for the papers are usually Chinese-educated and that means, simply knowing how to speak Chinese doesn't mean you will have to sit for the exam. I know there may be people who do not understand this but I hate to admit that this question can be really irritating at times. You just get sick and tired of people asking this seemingly common knowledge.

Okay, vented. Apologies for any offence caused. :)

 

Ahh, Gi Kwang. :D

So back to the topic: I did not know how to answer such questions because I wasn't even sure if I was a Christian. But to keep it short, I am clear with myself now. I know I am a true Christian now and I know that my faith lies in Christ. :)

Oh by the way, I do celebrate CNY. Just for the record, in case you have those meant-for-short-lived thoughts of not giving angpaos to me. :P

This year also saw our friendship grew. Yes, growing doesn't necessarily mean everything is heading into a good direction. No, to me, I think that growth in friendship means having more understanding about the bonds that we form. This understanding may not stem from a positive source, it could be the cause of something unpleasant but still, it's because of such happenings that we come to see clearly who we are and who we fill our surroundings with. I think that's growth. :)

We had our fights and arguments, bickering and teases, cold wars and harsh comments and we saw each other's weakness. We also had our share of laughter and joy, playful times and moments, long hours of hard work together and most importantly, we seem to have turn those assignment struggling moments into a period of shared ups and downs. Oh yes, and added the Big Orange into our list of directory. I mean, seriously, by the end of our degree, we could just come out with our mini directory booklet, with the Big Orange and both the Paris towers as main emphasis.

Might as well include this achievement into our resume. :D

Lastly, one huge turnaround for me this year (as mentioned before), was my surprisingly new interest in Kpop. Oh damn, it sounds so unlike me just by mentioning it. Oh well, change that impression you have had of me before. :P

Ah yes, it's not just an interest now. I'm afraid to say that it has wrecked havoc within me and transformed into a much more wild and unrestrained fervour. Don't make me go into details, for I dare not think of how this would end. :P

Just know that: #G-dragon #bigbang #beast

Ah, what a year, really. We make history yet again. So who says only important people make history? We are history creators ourselves too. My, that leads me to say, who says we can't do great things too? :D

Isn't it amazing when inspiration comes flooding into your mind in the midst of blogging? Yes, just perfect. :)

Nonetheless, 

HAPPY 2013 all! :)

here to stay

There's an announcement/declaration to be done. One that has affected my life ever since. One that has changed my mindset and perception completely. One that is not only shocking to myself but also to those who know me pretty well.

Several weeks back, MAMA was held in Hong Kong and so happened, my curiosity was piqued and instinctively, I tuned into the live broadcast of the award ceremony. What was more surprising was that I actually stayed in front of the TV for the full three-hour plus despite not knowing many of the performers and artistes. Although my reluctance was quite strong, I still had to admit that my heart was longing so much for Big Bang's performance. Well yeah, I've heard a lot about them and not to mention I'm always in the presence of someone who is crazily into them. So yeah, I was equally excited and anxious about them coming on to the stage, because after so many other performances, there was still no sight of them. But when they finally did come out, woah, I was totally blown off my feet.

You just have to admit they are the ones who are capable of bringing the place down. :D

That night opened up my eyes to another level. I've heard songs that I quite like and immediately the day after, I searched for them as well as re-watching all the performances during that ceremony. But there was one particular song that interested me so freaking much that I guess this group had then become my favourite obsession of all. :)

You know, those who knew me would surely be surprised by this sudden change in me. Gee, I'm making it sound like I've been a pretty stubborn person in music taste. Perhaps I am? I don't know, maybe not? :P

Kpop has been one of my biggest resistance and rejection all this while. It wasn't that I disliked or anti-ed them, I just didn't want to be wholly affected and influenced by the Korean wave. 

Too bad I am now. :P

Yes, I here now declare that I am into Kpop and I am wholly in love with Beast and Big Bang. The fangirl mode in back in me, and it has returned with much greater impact and enthusiasm. You know those reactions of fantasizing a relationship with artistes? Um yeah, that's pretty much the extent of my fervour now. I'm sure one day I'm gonna meet Hyun Seung and G-Dragon. They're the cutest and most beautiful persons ever alive. Oh gosh.

Hyun Seung and Gi Kwang- personal favourites of Beast. :D

Oh my.

He's the loveliest guy ever. <3 font="font">

Alright, that's about it. 

Thought of dying my hair red too. Should I? :)

#hyunseung #g-dragon #beast #bigbang #forever

\m/

if sky was ever the limit

You know, the world was 'supposed' to end 3 days ago. All those Mayan prophecies and what-nots. They got the whole world talking about it and from the news that I have read, some people actually went to the extend of building a bullet-looking container that was said to be able to fit up to 60 people, with a basin and toilet within.

I'm not being cynical or what, but really, if a doomsday really happens, nothing can prevent it from happening. All these are out of our capabilities. It's supernatural forces that we are seeing, only God can do this and no one will know what God's plans are.

Anyway, that aside, I find it quite a wonder with all the posts on Facebook on the supposed doomsday itself. Yes, of course, it's the time of the year where most students like us have our final examinations and assignments and any-academic related business any university could think of of giving their poor students. But really, just because of exams, I see posts that wish for the end of the world to happen just so they would not have to undergo those tenuous moments.

I guess sometimes, people can be so, I don't know, hard to please? No, I'm not excluding myself from this too. I just wouldn't wish for the world to end to trade for an exemption from exams. :P

I mean, really, imagine if the world really ended and what would people be posting about it? (Considering we all have hours left to do our last minute Facebook postings or tweets and not to mention time for us to prepare ourselves- if that ever helps) I bet there would be posts like, 'I wish the world would not end today. I have yet to finish my exam.' I mean, why not? :P

But things like these may be a little good for our brain though. It's during such seemingly hopeless situations that our brain really begin to function like the engines of Jenson Button's race track machine. And then you start to have thoughts about the things that you have accomplished in your life, the things that you would want to do if more time were given to you or maybe the things that you would really regret not doing. I guess at some point in our lives, those thoughts will spring into our minds. And those are the times that our decisions would be most drastic, I guess?

I have yet to explore enough of the world, so for the world to end at this time is definitely a big no-no. Besides, who are we to decide when the world should end since we are only His creations? Don't the Creator Himself has the full right to his creations? :)

So let us not worry about the unknown, for He will take full care of it. If we live in Him, we will have His peace. That's how it should be. No more man-made arks unless instructed.

Just have faith in Him and there's no need for more worries. :)

festive bells in the air

Hellooooooo peepsssss!

Oh yes, I'm back.

Tons of apologies for the extremely long and should-not-be absence. It was not deliberate, I promise you. So much for this semester's hectic schedule and endless assignments one after another. They just never end, do they? Well, at least not until the final week of the semester.

Still, my third semester has officially ended and the holidays are here! That's all that we all need to know for now. :D

The finals was pretty difficult to be honest. Out of the five papers, CRF was the one that I was more assured of. The other four, oh well, it's best I do not go into the details.

Also, we celebrated Christmas yesterday! It was actually my very first time celebrating Christmas like that. When it comes to Christmas, most people will think of feasting, presents, movies, gifts and snow. But this year's meaning has changed for me. This year has been one truly enlightening year. I am proud to say that I am now a frequent church-goer and a true believer in Christ. Everything has been really good this year. :)

The performance that we put on went on pretty smooth too, despite the increasingly fast heartbeat that I suffered from as each second passed by until the time when I were to give my testimony. Terrifyingly nerve-wrecking experience. 

To all friends and people who celebrate Christmas worldwide, have a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! :D

It's the day to celebrate the birth of our Saviour! :D

a calling from the heart

There are many things that we want in life. Money, I guess, would be most people's top list. Education, especially in poverty countries and those who do not have the privilege to receive free education just like we do (Not really free though). Fame, perhaps, for those who seek glorious reputation and to have a legacy to imprint on the society for years, or centuries to come. That's true, all souls living on this earth have things that they openly declare their want and also things that they secretly long for, knowing the bumps and lumps ahead may just be more than any one person can simply handle.

I am no different, really. I do have many wants in life. Not all are known to people. I mean, you really need to keep some secrets to yourself, isn't it? Or else, where would all the fun be? :)

Sometimes I do envy people who have the added advantage and means to do what they love to do. It is not the mere determination or perseverance I'm talking about. Those, I believe I do not deprive myself of. Well, we do need that confidence speaking once in awhile, don't we all? :)

Of course, I am well aware that I should not be envious or long for something that others have that I don't. Okay, that just makes me sound so ungrateful. 

My bad. :P

I love Peyton. Man, I mean, I've always loved her ever since my obsession on One Tree Hill began. :)

I think it's just the same as that. You, I mean, we all have to grab every opportunity that presents itself to us to do the things that we want to do. Yeah, not everyone is lucky as the son of a rich manager or the princess-like daughter of a loving parent that is willing to fork out every single penny for her travelling expenses all around the world. No, not everyone is as lucky as that and not everyone has that means. I don't, for one, which is why I said I would sometimes envy these people. It isn't right and fair to judge and to come to a quick conclusion that these people are free to spend whatever dollar that they can with a swish on their wallet-filled credit cards, I know that. 

But there is something else that I know too. Although for the time being, I may not have the ability or privilege to just go full on ahead and do the things that I would really give up my time to do, it doesn't mean that's the end of it. Perhaps, the time is just not right. Yet that doesn't deter me from continue to want and to work my sweat off for it. Just believe and have faith that the day will come when you, and I, can truly support ourselves to do all the things that we have wished to do.

My to-do-list is still going strong, and still counting and taking on more things. Well, they may not be done within this couple of years but you know what they say, expect the unexpected. I always love unplanned and unexpected stuff, they're the best feelings that one can ever get. Well, at least for me.

Hehehh, this is cute. :)

And I still think I'd prefer sky diving over bungee jump. AT LEAST FOR NOW. :D

when the leaves are brown and the sky is grey

You know, I was reading an article on Huffington Post yesterday about how happy people are and what can unhappy people do to become like them. Now if you come to think of it, it can be quite ridiculous yet ironic. Of course, an article like that is a useful and perhaps helpful one to some people. But that's not how I saw it.

What was the impetus that triggered the need for such a study by scientists? Why was there even a need to see how happy people actually are? What was implanted in these brilliant minds to note that people are unhappy and that they need help to become happy? Really, is it just me or that the world seems to becoming a pretty depressing place to live in?

Alright, or maybe it is not the place. Maybe it is the things that occupy these spaces. Maybe it is the things that surround the occupants. Maybe it is the things that have never stopped growing in numbers ever since humanization that continue to blind people from the sheer and simple meaning of being happy. Yes, simply being happy.

It seems to me that people nowadays do not find happiness in what they do. Perhaps they feel forced in doing what they do. I don't know, it could just be as simple as not finding the meaning in all that people do now. They do what they don't like and they don't do what they like. And then they say it's the circumstances that push them to such a decision. It is not as easy as it's said. It is not as simple to just switch to a job that you like. It is not so carefree to just ditch all your responsibilities and take the next flight to Los Angeles, or New York or Yellowstone to spend the night staring hard into the lonely starry night.

And why are all the places named are from the States?

Jeez.

They say happiness is in your mind.

(They did, didn't they? I'm sure they somehow did. :P)

And they say quotes are the words of truth. 

(Well, I said it. It still counts.)

Surely, I am not implying that I am always a happy-go-lucky person or someone that can easily shrug off all the depressing thoughts and don a new coat of smiley faces and jumpy mood. No, everyone has the ups and downs in life and so do I. And even though you may have endless problems hitting hard against your door doesn't mean that your problems are bigger and more important than mine, or anyone else's for that matter.

All I am pointing out is that, we need to realize how saddening the people of these days are becoming (sometimes myself included). But let's not gt defeated by it. God has made us way tougher and stronger than to be knocked down by the things that He gave us power over. It is not easy, nobody says it is. But really, if you lose happiness, you lose everything else. Because only when you find happiness in what you do, you find meaning, you find joy, you find hope and you do it with love and passion and sincerity and all that matters to you.

Take a plunge.

Shut the eyes and drown out the darkness.

The next time you open them, welcome only the light and happiness.

It's still a beautiful world. :)

the meaning in waiting

Right, so here I am, returning to this private refuge of mine after such a long drought of updates. I know, it's me, it's all totally my bad. I can't even remember what was the last thing I talked about and I don't even remember how long I have chucked this blog away. But you see, in the end, I always come back to the place where words are better typed than spoken.

It is true.

Mid Valley is having a Nikon exhibition/roadshow sort of thing and this is just like an early Christmas gift to me. Only that it is just a gift to the eyes and not physical enough for me to have it in my possession. Not mine to buy, not mine to have it (yet).

One of the reason I never stopped this part-time job was because of this- Nikon. You can judge me all you want, but that's the least of my concerns. Really. Yes, I do not deny that the trend is getting a lot more cliche and how hypocritical I would seem to be for I used to judge others in the same negative light. I believe in working hard for what I truly want. Of course, sometimes you get a little sponsors here and there. But have you really thought about how different it would make you feel when you finally own something that you have worked your ass off for?

It is the satisfaction and the sheer sense of accomplishment that cannot be obtained or achieved if your efforts are not more than half of what that something is worth.

I visited this Nikon exhibit right away after my work. People were crowding over each and ever available space and I could not even get any nearer to the counters even when I have circled the entire enclosure. But what good would it do me even if I could get my hands all over on D5100 and taking random shots from it? Reality hits, and it hits hard. I was totally aware, and I am that no matter how close I am to these adorable gadgets, I do not have that means to really negotiate for an agreeable price and actually paying it and welcoming it into my life. No, it would not happen that, not any sooner still. 

You know what people say?

'So near yet so far.'

Cliche, but that's just how it is.

I am saddened by this truth. And from this sadness, it ventures into envy and other nonsensical thoughts, which I am absolutely aware of but still allowing some leeway just for the sake of it. Sometimes it just shoots right into my mind, like a jackpot, you know. These thoughts, these silly yet realistic lines of thought, pop up endless questions about all the whys, why-nots and if-onlys. 

I know it is never right to envy, because what would be left of contentment? And I know sadness is not the way to be, because where else would hope go to?

If you are not getting me, then lemme say this clear. Lemme wallow in my self-pity and I shall stop doing so when this sentence has its end.

There, said it, and that would be it.

My sadness doesn't last longer than the length of each blog post on its own. If the world is throwing all its mountains and checkpoints and valleys on me now, they would not bring me down, for I have my Lord. Well, perhaps He wants me to wait for His own gift. Who knows, it could be a better Nikon than all I've ever though of. :)

And I'll never stop any effort to earn what I want in life.