i had a panic attack

30th November 2009

Monday

I had a panic attack

I had a nervous breakdown

That says it all

='(

My day?

The worst SPM day ever

I'm telling the truth

Never had I felt like that before

My days sucked

Trully

I woke up late

And ended up I couldn't study for a little while before going to school

Fine

It was okay

All my fault anyway

Who asked me to watch tv and not study the previous night?

Hmm

=/

Then

When I went to school

I was told that you were angry at me

I'm sorry

I really didn't know

It was true

Khye Vern told me you were mad at me cause I kinda mungkir janji

Hmm

I really didn't know you would be so mad

I'm really really sorry

I've cancelled the trip to Pangkor with Kai jun they all

Really

I know I've promised you that I would go to genting with you after spm

And that day I told you I was going to Pangkor

I'm really really sorry

I'm not going to Pangkor already now

Hmm

But that's not the point right?

I've made my promise but I didn't keep it

You can be mad at me

I won't blame you

=(

And I knew you would wanna go to genting

And you were eager to join Seak's trip

I thought you already agreed to go with them

But then, only later I found out that you had to balik kampung

So I thought, maybe we could still go to genting after you've come back from kampung or maybe we could go before you balik kampung

But that doesn't matter anymore to you right?

I'm sorry

=(

Look, I really wanna go to genting with you

I'm just sorry

You didn;t talk to me today

And I dared not talk to you

Cause you really seemed mad at me?

I dunno

I wanted to talk to you

But I kinda dared not

And up to you to believe or not

I was really affected during exam

I couldn't concentrate man

Not that I'm blaming you for anything

I mean, it's my fault anyway for not telling you earlier bout me going to Pangkor

I'm sorry

I made a promise

But I didn't stick to it

And now I'm sorry for it

Plese don't be mad at me

Omg, it's really killing me man

Hmm

=/

Sorry

=(

I didn't join you guys for break today

I thought, it'll be awkward anyway

So be it

I stayed upstairs

Me alone

And when khye vern told me you guys were talking bout trips down there

I was like, luckily I didn't go down

Or else, who knows how sorry I would be

Damn

=/

And it didn't get any better

When I was doing biology paper 3

My day proved to be the worst

I freaked out

Really

I was panicking

It was the first time I ever felt like that

I didn't know it would be that worse

I was rushing like mad

Cause I thought I wouldn't finish in time

And I kept looking at the clock

And it just kept ticking

And for the first time

I was sweating like mad

And I didn't realise that until I wiped my forehead

I WAS PANICKING

=(

And all of a sudden

My body felt os light

I am being serious now

=(

I was sweating

You know, what people call 'cold sweat'

I dunno what you call that in english

And I kinda like, lost my sense of hearing?

I'm serious

If you think I'm joking, fine

No offence anyway

No need you to believe me if you don't want to

I mean, I don't seem like that kinda person to you right?

Whatever

=(

It kinda like, when you're in an aeroplane and it's taking off and then the change in pressure and makes you feel like you've lost your sense of hearing?

Yeah

I just felt that way

And it was like, I lost all energy in me

I didn't know what to do

I almost blacked out man

=(

And the lady teacher kinda realised that I was not okay, I guess

Cause I saw her looking at me

And after the exam ended, when everyone was leaving, she asked me, "You're not feeling well?"

I dunno if she saw me nodding weakly or not

Cause I totally had no more energy left

I was afraid I would fall any minute

And I was praying and hoping that it won't happen

Please

I was really desperate at that time

=(

And I pushed myself to the limit

Forced myself to finish the paper

When I was almost felt like fainting already

I breathed in and out

Tryna calm myself but it backfired

I dunno

It seemed to get worse

=(

I was afraid

I really felt like leaving the hall at that time

I was afraid that I could not finish

And yet my mind went blank

Totally

I didn't know what was I supposed to write already

But there were only 15 minutes left

15 minutes!

Whatever I wrote

I couldn't remember now

I didn't know what the hell I wrote

But I just did

It was all crap

I guess I'm really gonna flunk bio this time

Why must it happen for SPM?

=(

I really feel like crying now

Just after the exam

I borrowed denesh's phone

Luckily he brought

And phoned my mum

I could not go home myself then

I was afraid that I would really faint

Called my mum

Asked her if she could fetch me from school

Thank God she said she would send the papers af6ter fethcing me

Thank you a lot

And when I went into the car

I really broke down

I started crying

My mum just hugged me and tryna calmed me down

She asked me to tell her slowly what happened

Cause the first thing I said when I went inside was, "I had a panic attack."

And my tears just came rolling down

I just cried and cried

And I felt like I was gonna throw up you know

I was feeling very nauseous

It was one bad day

Truly

Someone was mad at me and I didn't know it

And then I got a panic attack

And now, I'm having my flu again

Can this day be any worse?

Hmm

=(

Honestly

I'm kinda freaking out now for the next paper

I'm scared

God please help me, please

=(

xoxo just for you

claira.xoxo