take the plunge, it's bound to hit

Have you ever thought how it would feel like to be a parent? I mean, how does it feel if YOU are now a parent to your children? I never really gave a serious thought about it. It's not that I didn't bother or that it happening is still very far away, but more like it's a frightening thing to think of. Personally, I fear being a parent, I fear to even think of it. But then I pondered a little more about it, and I came to the conclusion that perhaps it's not the responsibility or the life changes that would eventually take place scares me out. It's actually the fear of becoming the same as my parents.

Don't get me wrong, at least not yet. I'm not saying my parents are terrible, no, they're not. But I wouldn't say that they are perfect human beings either. Nobody is ever perfect, and nobody is ever right. There are some things about them that will undoubtedly get on your nerves and make you feel as if your feelings and all that screaming you make during arguments are sure to fall on deaf ears.

I may not be the eldest child in my family but practically, all that I've been doing for the past 21 years of my life definitely reflect the true meaning of what it takes to be the eldest child. I fully understand that it may not be so simple to see your child to be the first to leave the warm and cozy nest, brimming with eager enthusiasm and the curiosity to explore all that is out in the world and take on everything that is in his or her way all alone. And I totally get it that it hurts even more to see them getting bruises and cuts and wounds all over them from every obstacle that hits them right in the face. No, it's not simple.

But there's one thing that I guess at some point in their parenthood, they have forgotten that their children can no longer stay in their protection always. They have to leave, and venture into the unknown. They have to be hit right into the darkest pits and find the light at the end of the tunnel just by holding on to their faith and hope. They have to learn that not everyday is a bed of roses because you have to bear the pains of thorns in order to enjoy the blooming red rose. They have to learn what's bad before they know and appreciate what's good. They have to step into adulthood. I have to step into adulthood.

I never said it's easy, but that doesn't mean it's bound to be an avoided or unspoken topic. It has to happen and it is going to happen soon. Very soon. Perhaps this transition of mine is seen as a form of rebellion to you. Perhaps this thing called growing up is an out-of-the-universe feeling to you. Or perhaps all you see in me right now is an over-limit badness. But if not now, then when? If not me, then who else? That's what being the eldest child means. You have to be the first to break their hearts. You know it's harsh on them but you're doing it first and doing it now so they can get used to it and feel less painful when it's time for their second, third, fourth child to do so. It's a dirty job, but dirty jobs are just part and parcel of life. 

You see, that's the reason I fear that being a parent myself would eventually mean becoming like them. And as a child, I have and am experiencing what I wouldn't wish my children to experience just because parents have a hard time letting go. Yes, that's the word. To start letting go and be confident in us. Have faith, trust that we won't let you down. Not everything we do is out of feeling. In fact, we do use our brains and rationale wisely in most of the things we do. All that we- I, ask in return is to trust us, believe in us, be confident in us and be proud of us.

Because what I have experienced, I don't ever want that for my future children. 

returning to basics

It's been a year since the last time I blogged. I mean, wow, just look at that! I didn't really intend to stop blogging then, but somehow, I just got drifted away. I remember how I used to say that my blog was the main, almost the sole refuge for me. A place of solace you know? It's just amazing, that feeling. Because even a listener has a limit. A listener is still a person. But of course, it wouldn't be fair for that person if I were to say it's the same for all. Mind you, when I said limit, I wasn't referring to his or her maximum level of tolerance to whatever shit we have to say. When I said limit, it's more of referring to ourselves. What we can tell, what we cannot tell, what we wanna tell but can't find the right words to do so because it's never that simple to spill out everything you've had inside in a structure that's understandable for that listener. And that's where we meet that limit. We just can't get them to fully understand what we're feeling. And that's why I said that at least right here in my own blog, I'm freer to go wild with putting all sorts of emotions into words, even if they may sound crazy, even if they may be just plain nonsensical words to others. Because it's not a reader that you need most, it's just a place that you can totally be yourself to, a place where you can just immerse into for a long time until you are ready again for the battles outside.

It's good to just write and not bother whether my sentence is too short or too long. I guess one of my biggest motivation to return to my blog is the close-to-2-month internship experience as a copywriter. Blogging was really a huge help in the past and ever since I've stopped blogging, it feels like it has gotten more difficult to pen down whatever that I need to or have to pen down. It's scary, that feeling. Just imagine that you have a fairly strong passion for something but as time goes by, you're realizing that doing so has become more and more challenging because you've not been doing it for awhile.

So to cut it short, I'm now back here. I've been debating whether or not to return to my blogging previously. Well, I guess now I've understood. When something still matters to you, no matter how little that amount may be, it's still worth pursuing it. Because hey, if it has absolutely no importance to you anymore, you wouldn't even let it linger in your mind right?

I'm sure I've made the right choice.

Let's kick start my blogging habit again. :)

smooth sailing, thank you

Annyeong. :)

Results were out yesterday.

Though a slight drop from my last semester's, it's all good. Thank God for listening to my prayers.

I'm happy. :)

#AliveTourTheFINAL

Hey there, I dreamed of you last night, Jiyongiie oppa. :)

#AliveTourTheFINAL

I won't give up. :)

just another open question

So recently, I've been following this Korean drama on TV. It's called Queen Inhyun's Man, also known as Queen and I.

The story is just only developing and though I have gone a few episodes ahead from what is shown on TV (with good, solid reason :P), it basically revolves around the lives of a becoming actress and a man of the past. Ahh, I do enjoy films with such storylines. Time travel and that sort.

But then while watching tonight's episode on TV, it just hit me with such an unanswerable question. Well, I guess this question already popped up last week when my mum and I were conversing about this drama. You see, when you watch this kind of movie, it makes you think. Well, unless you prefer not to have any exercise for your brain as you indulge in your sweet movie time. But still, I have come to accept the fact that none of my body parts can be still enough not to notice such things.

Right, so what has been bothering me (not) is that is it even possible to have two separate worlds coexisting together? I know, I know, it's all fiction and made-up by brilliant minds. No such thing can happen in the real world. The past is the past, there is nothing we can do to stop or change time. Ah, just think about teleporting (is that the word?), Hermione's time-reversal-thing (forgot what's it called) and THIS.

Then I start to wonder, if really two different worlds, with different times can exist simultaneously, how would the lives be? Could it be that one world is transparent from the other and even when they are walking side by side, the people from this world will not be able to see those from the other? This applies on when you put yourself in the shoes of a viewer: when you are watching this scene of the present world, is life still going on in that other world? Oh wow, look how this trail of thinking can go?

They say it is an impossible thing in the real world, but then when these things get to you, wouldn't you wonder what is real anymore? :)

Psychic.

Swag!

:D

Anyway, I think it's just amazing how scriptwriters and producers can come up with such awesome ideas. Ah, I need more sharpening to be creative like this! I guess that is one of the reasons why I enjoy watching movies. Well, it gives me yet another reason to be glued in front of the idiot box. :D

By the way, I love the main actress- Yoo In Na :)

She's so pretty and cute. Like, really. I adore her already. And have I mentioned that she's part of YG Family? Oh yes. :D

Hwaiting YG Family, and me! :D

YGF, for real

Hello blog. 

I'm having one of those feelings of sudden urges to blog. You know that sort of condition when you feel like you're suddenly thrown into a turmoil and forced to think about all that is happening to you, and about your life. Ahh, I'm having one of those dreadful moments now. What's more, the sentimental feeling is with me tonight and perhaps with my added drained-body, I am feeling it all the more.

Yesterday got me so depressed. Depressed for some petty and unreasonable and possibly the most absurd reason other people might think it was. But still, to me it wasn't. Don't you just find it frustrating enough when you are absolutely being serious about something and yet those around you do not feel the same way? Well, it is okay of course that others do not feel alike as we do but really, it can get to your nerve when others think you're joking when being serious and vice versa. Oh my, how can I only get it across to people that I am perfectly serious with this 'life's dream' of mine?

Anyhow, I am fine with nobody believing that I am serious with it. No problem at all, really. :)

So much for this lament. Uh no, it isn't lament, really.

I think I'm a person that gets easily affected with some particular issues. I mean, I don't get all upset over ever minor detail but more like, when the issue at hand really means a lot to me or if I can really see myself being what I envision, then not being able to do so kind of turns my world upside down for that while.

Ahh, am I really such a person?

 Please, enlighten me.

It is kind of freaky when I am thrown into this kind of situation. It gets me all sober or regretful, super down for reasons that should be reasons in the first place and upset and so not being myself. I totally wasn't feeling myself last night. I knew the cause to it but it was the solution part that made me so uneasy the entire night.

So I kept tweeting to this friend of mine about me being extremely depressed and then continue to remind myself that I should be so even when I was preparing myself for bed. Gee, how does that make me appear really depressed?

So sorry for all my weird behaviours.

I know my thinking can be real wild at times. Or all the times, to some people. Have you ever pictured your life from another person's perspective? Have you ever thought long enough about how you can make your life so different from what you have always expected it to be? Have you ever wondered what if you are to take a completely unrelated direction with your life now? What if I do this? What if I join the audition? What if I drop out of university and fly to another country to chase after this dream? But then, what if it doesn't work out? What if I do not succeed?

They have certain sayings about thinking and overthinking and whatnots. I guess I never remembered any of those.

Still, let me put it in my own way: Thinking leads to overthinking and that is what kills you (or me).

The logic is, when you think, you don't just stop there right? All the doubts and what-ifs come crashing into your mind and that makes it the 'overthinking' stage. So once there, you continue to think and these additional thoughts scare you even more so. Ahh, that's when the real damage takes a toll on your confidence level and all the 'What have I been doing in my life?'.

What am I saying?

Oh my, I am not making the slightest sense.

Hmm.

Still, when all logic and sense fail, it is faith that I rely upon. Because none other reasonable means can make me feel better or give me hope. It is only faith that I now strongly hold on. Faith builds and that needs time. I do not know what these thoughts will lead me to but I believe my prayers are heard and will be answered. I just have to hold on tight to this faith and never for once let go. Cause if I do, all is gone.

I'm just talking to myself again, which I always do, to try to make myself fell better after all the depressing things I have said and thought.

Ahh, my life!

This 'life's dream' -as what I name it- will remain a secret that no one will know of. Ah well, to that friend whom I 'depressed about my depression', what you knew was only part of the icing. Yes, part of the icing, not even whole :P

Still, thank you for finally showing the qualities of a good friend, after all the years of knowing me! :P

I believe, and have faith, that one day, not too long away, this 'life's dream' of mine will come true. I have not figured out how, but when I have finally achieved it, you'll know about it.

Dear Lord, you know my prayers and you know my heart. I ask, and pray that You will open doors for me. Prepare myself for what is ahead and let me not regret on what I have decided on. I thank You for this strength and Lord, I pray that You will bless me with stronger faith in You. Amen.

“Everybody, fight for your mountains, and trees. 
They are Beautiful.” 

—	Tablo, GDA 2013 interview

pulling off red

Ahh, I can be so very indecisive at times. 

No, I think I am always so indecisive. If you knew me well enough, you'd know how long a time I can take just to decide on what food I want to order after flipping through the menu for the hundredth time. 

But this time is even more so. One moment I'm thinking, 'Ah, I'm just gonna change my hairstyle for good after so long of sticking with the same hairstyle. Besides, it's a new year and I'm going to be 21 (not that I'm really thrilled about it. Man, that means I'm one year older already!). So, why not?' and, 'Oh, I'm also going to dye my hair red, because it's the very colour that I have always wanted. So yes, I'm gonna chop off my long hair and take on a redhead!'

Then the next day, I'd be like, 'I think I don't wanna cut it short. I'm so gonna regret having my long hair. And what if dying my hair damages it even more? What if I can't regrow my original hair colour? (for I love my original hair colour so much I can just kiss it all the time. HAHAHA) And most of all, what if the result is not how I want it to be and I would not look good in red?'

Ah, you see, all the doubts and what-ifs. We can be so skilled at pointing out such doubts when they happen to the people around us who are in dilemma or faced with a difficult decision. Yet when it comes back to us, how many of us really ponder over the things we have said to others that can't be applied to ourselves? Oh my, the hesitancy in me.

I suppose this is one of my biggest weaknesses. I truly believe it is.

Inborn? 

I don't know. None in my family seems to have it to such an extent except for me. HAHAHA

Hair is really an important feature for girls, at least it is so for me. Some can really cry their hearts out days after they've made a drastic change on their hair. Well, which is what I am planning to do. Not the crying part though, mind you. Hopefully I wouldn't even need to descend to such a state. 

Nonetheless, I've now made Dara my inspiration. If she can be so daring with her super unexpected hairstyles, then I believe I can be so too. :D

Still, adjustment needs time. And I need quite awhile for this alteration to happen as well. So till then, let me get used to the idea of post-hair-cut-and-dye. When I finally get it done...well, we'll see. :)

Park Bom style?

Hyun Seung style?

Or Jiyong style? :D

Ahh, doubts doubts!

Happy New Year people!